5064 - Saturday jokes

First, you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

I pretended to be asleep then I fell asleep. Now I'm going to pretend I'm skinny.

Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's chicken was fried in olive oil?

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H in Hour, Honour, etc.? My English Teacher said, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent". (I was even more confused.) During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me his packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned him the empty container. My English Teacher, "What happened? I told you to go and heat my food, you are returning me an empty container". I replied, "Sir, I thought 'H' was silent.

It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

I can't believe it's pancake day tomorrow!

It just crêped up on me.

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” 

Two guys in London, Ali and Habib, are beggars. They beg in different areas of London. Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Habib asks Ali, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Habib's sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife, and 6 kids to support'. Ali says, 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.' Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'? Ali shows Habib his sign. It reads: 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"  The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent, "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

"Here's the thing you have to understand about Ted Cruz, I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz." - Al Franken

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign.

Husband, "The doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it".

Wife, "No, he said you could have a stroke at any time".

Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learned that in a medical journal, page 34, at 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking marijuana do?

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory." 

Friend: "What did he do?" 

Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

Do you want to hear what’s in the middle of every joke?

Ok.

An old couple goes to their doctor.

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

She replied, "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb.

When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn.

Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing naked around his John Deer!

Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?

Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom, so we went to see a sex therapist. I'm just doing what she suggested."

"Do something sexy to a tractor!"

My sister, Jennifer, started a vlog where she could be 100% herself. She called it “Really Jen”. She recently went hiking and was doing a video about a group of ticks she came across in the woods which she swore were in a polyamorous relationship together if you can believe it.

Anyway, she asked me to join her on camera for discussion, but I declined.

I told her I make it a point never to discuss Really Jen and poly ticks with family.

A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man.

The Woman says, "T.G.I.F". So the man says, "S.H.I.T". The woman again says, "T.G.I.F". And again the man says, "S.H.I.T". So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God It's Friday. And the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey It's Thursday.