5071 - Saturday jokes

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

The two horses slipped behind the barn and quickly removed each other's harness. There, with nothing to rein them in, it would be a night of unbridled passion.

Two Irishmen were looking at a Mail order catalog and admiring the models. One said to the other, “Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?”

The second one replies, “Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!”

The first one says, with wide eyes, “Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. “Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.”

Three weeks later, the youngest Irishman asks his pal, “Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?’

The second Irishman replies...

“No, but it shouldn’t be long now. All her clothes arrived yesterday!”

"There's room for one more," Tom admitted.

"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.

"It's twelve noon," Tom chimed in.

"I've joined the navy," Tom said fleetingly.

"It's become much bigger," said Tom with a groan.

"Nay!" said Tom hoarsely.

"I sure like the guy who played Thanos!" Tom joshed.

"I've run out of wool," said Tom, knitting his brow.

"I want a motorized bicycle," Tom moped.

"Look! She's wearing nothing!" said Tom naughtily.

"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

"I didn't look at all!" Tom peeped.

"Do think I'm gay?" Tom queried.

"Is this sodomy?" Tom asked in earnest.

"I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish.

"Back then my name was Tina," Tom transitioned.

"The bank doesn't want me as a customer," said Tom unaccountably.

"I need an injection," Tom pleaded in vain.

"I'm no fan of Champagne," Tom whined.

"I've really committed to this bit, but the supply of words that work for this letter has run dry," said Tom xerically.

"So, how much do ya get paid?" Tom yearned.

"The problem is I've run out of these Swifties," Tom zeroed-in.

“I missed the target again,” said Tom aimlessly.

"That looks like the outside of a tree!" Tom barked.

"I'm a dad," said Tom apparently.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives?

Texas.

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.

I grew up thinking I was a God.

My mother's cooking had me believing so because all I was fed was burnt offerings.

Had a girl try to choke me during sex recently.

I was like Whoa Whoa Whoa, who kidnapped who here?

Hired a handyman and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

He said if I paid him more he might knock out #2, but to finish the list I'd probably need to hire a foreman.

Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview.

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.

He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.

In a thick Southern drawl, he asked, "Where do you go to school at?"

Wanting to get rid of him as soon as possible, she simply replied, "Yale."

He took a deep breath, rolled his eyes a bit, and hollered, "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AT?"

We were at a truck stop down South getting some gas and there was a trucker that needed help getting his hood closed. So me and my buddy helped him out, then he said, ‟y’all up there (Michigan) have to pay for sex, I was getting it from my sister at 13. He laughed, we laughed, he walked away. To this day I don't know if he was serious or not.

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she vanished into Finnair.

Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, “I need a day off, I’m going to pretend I’ve gone mad!” Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them, and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!” while John looks on in amazement. The foreman shouts, “Paddy go home, you’ve gone mad!” As Paddy packs his kit, the foreman sees John packing his kit as well. Foreman says, “John where do you think you’re going?!” John says, “Well I’m not working in the friggen' dark!”

My wife is really mad at our next door neighbor because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally, I’m on the fence.

What’s the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

In memory of all the faces buried there!

What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I'm curious about the cutoff date.

I don't believe in the death penalty.

The last person I want to see in Hell is the asshole who just killed me.