5078 - Saturday jokes

I’m thinking of killing off a few characters in the book I am writing. 

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsite.

Why is a person that plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

My wife doesn’t understand why I don’t like shopping. So I took her into eight different bars without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a beer.

Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans.

I had a bad day yesterday.

I went to button up my shirt,

the button fell off.

I went to pick up my briefcase,

the handle fell off.

I went to open the front door,

the doorknob fell off.

Now I'm afraid to pee.

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said what about now?

The police come up behind you with flashing lights. If they are flashing blue, they want you to make way. If they are also flashing red, they want to stop you. If there are yellow flashes, they are shooting at you.

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the Army is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

Yo momma so fat...

She got triabetes.

Yo mama so fat... 

Dinosaurs went extinct when she fell down.

Yo mamma so fat...

Before she was buried, the Earth was flat.

What's the difference between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point.

(Only one of them is likely to be sharp.)

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked, "How'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt force trauma to the head." "How did that happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it.

I'm now independent.

A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously, she asks a crew member, "Just how far away from land are we? Calmly, he reassures her, "You have nothing to worry about miss, we're only 2 miles from land." Relieved, she inquires, "Oh, in which direction?"

"That would be straight down".

What’s the difference between a good nun and a bad nun?

A good nun says "amen" and a bad nun says "ah, men".

Two nuns were riding their bicycles on a cobblestone road in Rome.

The first nun said, "I've never come this way before." 

The second nun responded, "It must be the cobblestones."

They're going back for the second coming.

Going skydiving is like going to school.

Your gonna have a hard day if you forget your backpack.

The sign said, "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?

Napoleon Blown-aparte.

.

(I checked. No, he wasn't. But I did find this... "Shortly after his death, an autopsy was conducted and Francesco Antommarchi, the doctor conducting the autopsy, cut off several of Napoleon's body parts, including his penis.")

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

Why is “The Big Lebowski” the president’s favorite movie?

Because the Dude is a Biden.

"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."

"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

Do you know why farts smell?

So the deaf can enjoy them too!

I'm proud to say I've never paid for sex.

Of course, I have several pimps and prostitutes looking for me.

The angry teacher asked the student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?”

The student replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

That was the change his life needed.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning.

He's a Mass murderer.

Therapist: What seems to be the problem?

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear of birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

When I was in Preschool, my teacher told my mother that she thought I might be autistic and needed to be enrolled in a special class. My mother only shrugged and said, "I think he draws like shit, but if you want to put him in art class, go for it."

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

I replied, "It's spelled 'you're'".

Everyone tells me I’m paranoid. It’s some sort of mass conspiracy against me.