5092 - Saturday jokes

Phonetically is not spelled phonetically.

I was in a band in the 90's called "Homeopathy". We were a bit like Placebo but not quite as good.

I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward. I should have learned my lesson with the first one.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. You were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

(I didn't get this at first. Then I saw the comments about scam warranty phone calls.)

SIX - S = 9

If you replace the W with T in When, Where, and What, you get the answer to each question.

Faking a major event would require thousands of people. Try managing a project. Getting twelve people to do what they are supposed to do, on time, without blabbing early, is nearly impossible. My gut tells me that most conspiracy theorists have never been project managers. Their optimism is adorable. 

(Pay close attention)

For Russian classical composer Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov it was less well-known that he was a noted real estate investor in Tsarist Russia, and was particularly famous for one of his development ventures that failed. He bought an entire extinct volcano in Siberia and bankrolled a venture to create a series of championship ski courses on three levels within the volcanic cone. The project was a great success until local doctors realized that skiers at the various levels were coming down with specific medical problems: on the lowest level course, skiers suffered from skin ailments; in the middle, they came down with muscle cramps; and on the rim ski course, a cough.

Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours they called it a day.

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum, "What's wrong with dad?"

She said, "He's going through a rough patch".

A drunk guy gets in a taxicab.

"Take us to the..."

"Us? Which 'us', you're alone!?"

Drunk guy looks at the driver, somewhat bewildered, and says,

"Aren't you going too?"

At the age of 91, we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts.

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Bad at following directions.

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night, "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked every room.

Then I realized I wasn't married.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

So this dude dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him, "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says, "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikers harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike, and I insulted his girlfriend!" St Peter says, "That's terrific! When did you do that?" "Oh, about 30 seconds ago".

Three fonts walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out! We don't want your type in here".

At my age an all nighter means I don't have to get up for a pee.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have life insurance.

He answered, “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”.

My wife and I joke about her murdering me for my insurance a lot. She hasn't killed me yet. I keep reminding her my income potential is still higher than the insurance payout, at least for a few more years.

My young daughter is afraid of the monsters under her bed.

I told her, “They won’t come out from under your bed, sweetheart, they’re terrified of what’s hiding in your closet. Good night!”

My wife asked me, “Don’t you find it strange how little people change?”

I said, “I think the process is the same, except for their tiny clothes.”

Did you hear about the woman who accidentally took laxatives instead of her antidepressants?

She felt empty inside.

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.

It was the Father, the Son, and the goalie host.

What do you call a Magician who’s lost his magic?

Ian.

I bought one of those universal remote controls and thought to myself "this changes everything".

Bob and a few of his co-workers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon guys! Welcome! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?" Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birthday!" "Oh well happy birthday! Make sure you save room because you'll get a free dessert!" Tim and Susan smile and nod, but Bob looks a bit confused. He asks her to repeat herself. "Sure thing, happy birthday! Save room and you'll get a free dessert". There's a moment of silence before Bob says, "Vroom, vroom!"

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?" “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?”

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.

They used to be called jumpolines.

That is until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

eBay is great!

I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 5th time this week!

My wife slept with a black guy from Thailand.

It was a black Thai affair.