5113 - Saturday jokes

Poor Prince Phillip... 99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from the queen.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange, you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends!" 

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Me: It's not about how many times you fall. It's about how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle.

I got food poisoning today. Not sure when I should use it.

Sex with my wife is rare but when it does happen it is just like magic. The second I lay in bed she disappears.

Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there. .......................................

(There are no words to describe how funny this joke is.)

Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same thing?

Two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too.

When your wife is mowing the lawn, it's not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

I got a dog once and named him "Stay".

"Come here, Stay".

He's insane now.

My sister wanted to name her dalmatian "Stain".

No, the kids would be saying "come Stain".

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Actual people: I eat ten chips while I'm in the pantry with the bag open while trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

I send random messages to random numbers. 

"It's done. From now on we don't know each other."

"Sorry, who is this?"

"Very good."

Can't stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and had to go through trial and error, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian, and this one makes you see God.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I hide at work because a good employee is hard to find.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

If you die and get cremated, you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night!

I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Last night my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for five minutes. Problem is, he lives alone. So I went over and told him he wasn't home. So he left.

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Son: ?

Dad: Mentos.

Always go to your friends’ funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.

Johnny has three pieces of paper, and he rips one.

Anyway, he still has three pieces of paper, but the room stinks now.

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any children.

But when I got home, they were still there!

My sexy neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothesline and that she's going to report it to the police.

I almost shit her pants.

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to run in a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: "That’s not how you play the race card."

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'" 

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

I took a Viagra on the way to the office this morning.

I've never worked so hard in my life.

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.

I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturer's because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

That's a nice ham you got there.

Be a shame if someone were to put an "s" in front of it, and an "e" behind it.

A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence.

"The marbles fell out of my pocket." Vs "The marbles fell out of my colon."

Orville Redenbacher served in the US Army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. 

He only required a micro-wave.

I couldn't understand why every apartment I've lived in had those ugly pebbly popcorn ceilings. It was baffling.

But then later I learned it was a way to muffle sounds coming from the upstairs and downstairs neighbors. It was baffling!