5155 Saturday jokes

The word "gullible" is not in the dictionary.

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, and painful death!"

He turned and said, "So you want me to stay?"

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

If you don't use fast food napkins as kleenex in your car, you must be in a whole different tax bracket.

Does anybody know if there is a body of water between Russia and the Ukraine called 'Crimea River'?

I went to a restaurant and after seeing every table occupied by couples, I took my phone out and made a very loud phone call. "Yes your spouse is her with someone else, just come and see!" Eight couples got up and left.

Husband's text: How do you roast a cobbler?

Wife's text back: What? No. First of all, you have to use a recipe.

Look in my desserts binder by the microwave.

Use the peaches, they are starting to go bad.

Check the cabinet by the fridge for spices.

PREHEAT the oven.

Keep an eye on the timer.

Don't let it burn.

Husband's text: You make fun of his shoes.

Wife's text: I hate you.

No, I'm not saying you're stupid.

I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

I saw my wife yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! You moron!"

I thought she was watching a scary movie.

Turns out she was watching our wedding video.

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex, I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says, "You should stay on the porn channel. 

You already know how to fish."

So I and my husband were sitting on the couch watching TV.

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen telling me I got a text.

I go to the kitchen to check it.

It's a text from my husband.

"Please bring the chips on your way back."

I've reached the age where everything I think happened 2-3 years ago really happened in the '90s.

Life is so boring when you don't have any packages on the way.

Hi, my name is Bill Gates and today I'm teaching you how to count to ten.

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, Me, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.

Is your 7-year-old grandkid fixing your computer considered child labor?

If I'm ever known as the one that got away,

it will be from an asylum.

I asked you to spell orange and you asked me the fruit or the color.

It kinda caught me off guard.

Him: Will you be my girlfriend?

Her: Sodium Hydride hypobromite

Him: What?

Her: NaH BrO.

I've ordered some German food over the internet.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

Teacher: One of my students has used the word "fucktangular" in an informal essay to describe a situation that was complicated and messy in multiple unpleasant and difficult ways. I am in the presence of greatness and I am stealing this word.

Do you need to lose a little weight? The first thing to do is stop eating between snacks.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great,

but it's a job I can see myself doing.

I'll decide tomorrow after reflecting on it a bit.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.

I only drink in front of a mirror now.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals and they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks with his people and says:

"No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence."

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the Tribe.

Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his Tribe and asks: "Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:

"I ate a secretary."

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells: "You fool! We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!"

Success is like being pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got screwed.

Angelina Jolie walks into a florist shop. "I'd like to buy some flowers", she says. 

'Orchids?' says the florist.

'No, just flowers today'.

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi Rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?"

My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a human. The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”

The teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The girl said: “Then you ask him.”

No matter how bad your life is, it's still not as bad as a person who sits around worrying about the gender of a plastic potato.