5169 - Saturday jokes

My anorexic girlfriend left me today.

But she'll be back.

She is starving for attention.

My bulimic girlfriend left me for ralph.

I'm about to pull some steaks off the grill.

It's not my grill but the neighbors just went inside.

Him: I need help with a crossword puzzle. The clue is "overworked mailman".

Her: How many letters?

Him: I'm guessing too many.

A human has 46 chromosomes.

A potato has 48 chromosomes.

You are two chromosomes away from being a potato.

Dog: WOOF!

Alexa: Honestly, if I knew how long it would be until they got home I would tell you.

Me as a kid: Falls 10 feet from the monkey bars... "I'm OK!"

Me now: Tried to scoop ice cream that was a little too frozen... "I think I dislocated my shoulder!"

I got my wife to help me put some posts in the ground for our new fence.

I gave her the hammer, got the post ready, and said, "When I nod my head you hit it".

I don't remember much after that.

Know any sword fighting puns? Looking for phrases that have duel meaning.

Upset wife's note to husband: "Your dinner is in the recipe book on page 32 and the ingredients are at the store".

You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking, "I might as well pee while I'm here".

Charles Dickens orders a martini.

Bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

What did Adam cook for Eve on their anniversary?

Spare ribs.

Math problem: If George is 68 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does George have?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. 

Because communication is the key.

What do you call a man with no nose and no body?... Nobody nose.

Guy wrench: Let's watch "Remember the Tightens!"

Gal wrench: No! I want to watch "I Love Loosey!"

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977.

He would've started sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic.

I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything.

$2.00 for a cup of coffee

$3.00 for a coat check

$4.00 an hour for parking

I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.

It's faster to say 'World wide web' than 'WWW'.

Today I melted ice cubes with my mind by just staring at them.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Her: He died of natural causes.

Judge: You pushed him off a roof!

Her: Gravity is natural.

Sold the house and bought an RV.

Kids can't move back home if they can't find it.

A man got on an elevator of a fine hotel. He says, "Ballroom please".

The lady standing in front of him says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Incorrectly is the only word in the dictionary spelled incorrectly.

I used to work at KFC making coleslaw & mashed potatoes. But it was only a side job.

A guy opened a pub in a hotel lobby, but soon relocated to the mezzanine. 

Then he relocated to the top floor, and finally the roof.

He kept raising the bar.

x - y = \ 

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when we're already there?

A man walked up to the lobby counter.

Man: "Will you validate my parking?"

Counter person: "You did a great parking job. Evenly spaced, at nearly a perfect right angle."

Q: What if we used 100% of the brain all the time?

A: All neurons firing at the same time is called a seizure.

tRUMP to be reinstated in August as President of Trump University.

Cop on the radio standing next to a semi he pulled over.

"He says he's hauling sailboat fuel, but the trailer is empty.

What should I do?"

Kinda funny when you realize the guys that stormed the capital will now have felony arrest records and lose their gun rights. They took their own guns away.

I called a local flying school to inquire about how quickly I could obtain a pilot's license.

They said it would take three months.

I asked if they had a crash course.

Apart from "Life is short", what other lines do you use before making a bad decision?

Jet skis? Shouldn't they be named boatercycles?

I started a support group for men with erectile dysfunction. 

It was a flop and nobody came.

While doing his history homework, my son asked what I knew about Galileo. I said he's just a poor boy from a poor family.