5197 - Saturday jokes

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced pee-ka-boo)? Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive care unit of a hospital. She is not permitted to answer the unit's phone anymore. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, I.C.U."

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times trying to carry me to the car.

Dear right-wingers: Stop imagining fake scenarios and hurting your own feelings.

I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

And if you're a praying mantis, it can be all three at once.

Cop to criminal: "No confession necessary. There's plenty enough to convict you on your Facebook page."

My wife is singing in the house.

I'm sitting outside so the neighbors don't think I'm hitting her.

RAP is like scissors. It always loses to Rock.

Until further notice the days of the week are now called; thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday.

My neighbor just banged on the wall at 4:20am, can you believe that?

Luckily I was still up playing music.

He shouted, "Can we have a little respect please?!"

So I shouted back, "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but OK, this ones for you!"

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies because you know what they say about old habits...

You and your child are driving at night along a deserted road. You come across an old van piled full of money with the driver dead at the wheel. What lesson do you teach your child?

Lift with your legs, not your back.

(God creating dogs) God: You're man's best friend.

Dog: Pretty sexist.

God: No, man as in every-...screw it. You can't talk.

Dog: ...

God: And chocolate kills you.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange.

No weirdos.

People on house hunters are always saying they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so the family can visit.

I need a moat filled with gators.

Son: Hey dad, can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?

Dad: You sure can son.

Son in the front yard with a sign next to mower: Lawnmower for sale.

Has anyone else used WD40 to try and get rid of mice?

It doesn't work but it does stop them from squeaking.

Advice to old people...

Don't sit on the floor without a plan to get back up.

A redneck gets pulled over by a traffic cop.

Cop: Got any I.D.?

Redneck: Bout what?

Hey, look! There's a flock of elephants.

Herd!

Heard of what? 

Herd of Elephants!

Of course, I have! There's a flock of them over there!

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years and lived in East Texas.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"

Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.

He died at the ripe old age of 98.

After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."

When your wife randomly gets the perfect license plate.

NAG*365

Of course, I believe in science. 

Like how jelly grows inside doughnuts.

Her: I'm easily attracted to men with power.

Him: I just paid my electric bill.

Adulthood is saying, "But after this week things will slow down a bit", over and over until you die.

I thought I had conquered the problem of trying to remember my wife's birthday and our anniversary.

I opened a florist account and provided the dates to send flowers along with an appropriate note, "Your loving husband."

My wife was thrilled and all went well until one day when I came home, kissed my wife, and said offhandedly, 

"Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

You're never too old to learn something stupid. (posting for a friend)

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow and she's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I've bought her a magazine rack.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later in the day and spotted my three-year-old crawling inside to hide. I casually zipped it up and yelled, "I'M OFF TO THE AIRPORT EVERYBODY!", and put the suitcase in the backseat. I've circled the block twice and my luggage hasn't stopped giggling yet.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

American Girl has released the first doll with hearing loss.

Wait a minute. You mean the other ones can hear us?

I got stung by a bee on the forehead. I’m at the ER now, my face all swollen and bruised, I could have died.

Luckily my wife was close enough to hit the bee with the shovel.

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "If you forgot I'm sure not going to help you remember."

How come the people who mock participation trophies for children, keep attending rallies for the guy who came in second in a two-person race.

Army Sargent: SMITH!

Recruit: YES SIR!

Sargent: I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!

Recruit: Thank you, sir!

What do you get when you put an angry sheep and an angry cow together?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood.

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife: Why does it say 'Do not resuscitate?"

I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and I don't know whose side I'm on.