5211 - Saturday jokes

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym

Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.

Me: Close enough.

Tapes had a side A and side B. It's only logical that their successor would be the CD.

Do you know how weird it is being the same age as old people?

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from the broom!

Husband: Well, next time take the car!

Group of doctors making rounds...

"Male, 38, still living at home with his parents.

They asked us to keep him overnight,

so they could change the locks."

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you still have clothes in the dryer.

Does your mother really need to send you a sympathy card on our anniversary?

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, "OMG that's so far!"

I'm like, calm down. I'm not inviting you over.

Doc: "I'm just waiting for your x-ray."

Blonde: "But I've never dated anyone named Ray."

Doc: "And we might do a brain scan."

Some of you have been asking me where I get all these puns.

The truth? 

My lizard tells them to me.

Well, I say lizard.

He’s actually a stand-up chameleon.

When someone insults you by saying that you have an IQ of room temperature...

laugh at them in Kelvin.

(Water freezes at 273.15 degrees Kelvin and boils at 373.15.

300 degrees Kelvin is a nice Summer day.)

Me at 16: The radio station is playing my song.

Me at 25: The bar is playing my song.

Me now: The grocery store is playing my song.

Waiter: What can I get you? 

The Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.

Waiter: I'll only bring you that if you promise not to say, "There's a hare in my soup".

The Dad:

Waiter:

The Dad: I'll have the chicken.

When I get into the shower naked, the shower gets turned on.

Juan Vega, the world-famous clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. 

The otter even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week. 

His wife answered the door, "Sure," his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

The man exclaimed, "That much?"

Juan's wife replied, "But you’re getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else on this coast.”

The man protested, "I just want Juan. I will hire him alone for $350." 

"Sorry," Juan's wife said. "You can’t have Juan without the otter."

What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last.

I took my girlfriend to see a dog movie after her own dog died. The dog ended up dying at the end.

A woman is chasing down an ice cream truck and the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says, "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

What's the main issue with a vegan that does crossfit.

They don't know which one to tell you about first.

One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained, "Mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out!" The mother sat her down and explained everything to her. The next day, the other girl came rushing to her mother with the same complaint, "Mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out!" Again, the mother sat her down and explained everything that happened. The next day the boy came rushing to his mother, "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened". The mom replied, "You were peeing and a bullet came out?" 

"What? No", said the boy, "I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

My wife said to me, “If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me".

I said, "That's the fifth time you've said that today".

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

I was really upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store.

But I felt better when someone said, "They're there".

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There are my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, and a Welshman captured by the Taliban.

They told them, "We're gonna shoot but, you can have one last request before you go". Welshman said, "I'd like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers". Scotsman said, "I'd like a thousand Scotsman singing the Flower of Scotland". Irishman said, "I'd like a thousand Irishmen doing the River Dance". Englishman said, "Shoot me first!"

What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

If you keep twisting, eventually it all turns the same color.