5225 - Saturday jokes

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge. The bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, so the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep? Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

People who learn English as a second language are superheroes. Could you imagine looking at the word "yacht" and not just giving up?

Broccoli is said to be good for joints. So here goes.

Young boy finishes playing the violin...

"That was amazing, Jason! I've never heard such an accurate rendition of several cats getting run over by a lawnmower."

Imagine dying while working at Amazon and the first thing they do is clock you out.

A man walks into a hardware store.

Man: Do you have any two-watt bulbs?

Cashier: For what?

Man: OK, that'll do. I'll take two.

Cashier: Two what?

Man: I thought you didn't have any.

Cashier: Any what?

Man: OK then, two.

Cahier: What?!

Man: Exactly!

Commenter 1: You must really love yourself if you can go sit and eat at a restaurant by yourself.

Commenter 2: Some of you can't function without other people and that's really scary.

A fraudster who was installing kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food. As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty-handed. When his turn comes, he asks, "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?" "No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

My mother-in-law came for a visit so I asked her, "How long do you plan to stay?" "Just until I start getting on your nerves", she replied. "Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?"

Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8?

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.

If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be, “I don’t know. What do you feel like?”

My brother took going to jail pretty badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead. Our three cats did the rest.

I attended a self-defense course. At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...$380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised, and beaten. He said, "$380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

Shaquille O'Neal said, "I can't end my messages with 'Love, Shaq', because the B-52's ruined that for me."

Surgeon: Did someone fart?

Silence

Surgeon: I need to know if someone farted. I may have perforated the bowel.

Med student: I farted.

Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world. (Especially if you don't like to cook.)

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Our government struggles with the decision of whether to cripple an entire generation with debt or tax 3 billionaires a bit more.

Today my daughter called me 'Birth Person'.

I replied, "Yes, Financial Drain?".

I popped into the bank today, and the clerk started singing DOWNTOWN, I thought, "hmmm, peculiar clerk".

When you want to go out but you're not young anymore.

"So I'll pick you up around 10?"

"At night?"

Them: I'd take a bullet for my country.

Me: You won't even take a needle for your neighbors. Sit down and shut up.

I just saw on the news that a man has discovered how to do origami backward!

More on this story as it unfolds.

I have started a rock group called the Palindromes.

We launch our first single next week.

It's called 'If I had a HiFi'.

Old guy at the gym: "So, which machine would you recommend I use to impress the ladies in here?"

Trainer: "Probably the ATM in the lobby."

When it's about alcohol,

Above 21: Age no bar

Below 21: Age, no bar

Just tried pelican meat for the first time at my local restaurant. It was good, but the bill was massive.

No man is an island. Although my friend Archie Pelago comes close.

If anybody has a good fish pun...

Let minnow.

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and says, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "Nope, I work for a condom company and these are all customer complaints".

I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient. I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes.

Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. 

There will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.

When my kid is upset I let her color my tattoo! 

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon.

In the garden...

1st gal: I've been flashing my boobs at the tomatoes, so they'll turn red from blushing.

2nd gal: Has it worked?

1st gal: No, but the cucumbers are enormous!

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t” she replied.

Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried.” he thought.

Five minutes later, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked. 

She said, “I was just picturing how condoms are made!”

I can’t get over the fact that the word 'gullible' upside down looks like a cat.

Broke a light bulb today. So does that mean I will have seven years of bad ideas?

I just signed up for a yoga class.

"How flexible are you?" asked the instructor.

I said, "I can't do Tuesdays.”

I watch so many crime programs, that when I turn the TV off, I wipe my fingerprints off the remote.

What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?