5232 - Saturday jokes

I am now "take pictures of labels so I can blow them up bigger so I can read them" years old.

After an extremely frustrating day in the woods, a bear walks into a bar:

Bear:  “Give me a beer”

Bartender: “We don’t serve beer to bears in this bar”

Bear: (throwing the barstool) “Give me a BEER”

Bartender: “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars, who throw barstools”

Bear:  (Growls and takes a huge bite out of the bar) “Give. Me. A. BEER!”

Bartender:  “Sir. We do not serve beer to bears in bars, and we certainly do not serve beer to bears in bars, who throw barstools and take drugs!”  

The bear is perplexed. “I don’t take drugs…”

The bartender retorts:

“Well, what about the bar bit you ate?”

I have Sexdaily.

I mean Dyslexia.

A lady manager of a big reputed office asked a newly recruited man to come into her office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John,” he replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked in before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker …that’s all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling………… My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is ….. 'Not ALL rules need be followed.' "

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait.

Before the days of digital cameras and cell phones, Snow White dropped off some film at the drug store to have it developed. The pictures weren't coming back. She came into the store every day for three weeks to check to see if they were available. The manager found out about this and was furious at his employees for not telling him about this. The next day the manager was there to meet her. He said, "Miss White I'm so sorry about this. I want to let you know that I am personally looking into this to find out where your pictures are. Your pictures will be free and here's a $20 gift card for your trouble." Snow White said, "It's OK. No big deal." The manager was astonished she didn't seem to care. So he asked her "Why aren't you upset?" She replied, "Someday my prints will come."

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would you know?

Have you read the new book that's out?

"Don't Fence Me In"

By Barb Wire

Another new book that’s a hard read is “Just Another Wall” by Cindy Block.

If I tell jokes while I knit, would I be a knitwit?

In other sad news, Wimpy has announced he can no longer pay on Tuesdays.

He had 21 items. It was the express lane. He had coupons. He wrote a check. He recorded the check in his checkbook. Then he double-checked his receipt. After that, all I remember is the police showing up.

I injured my back in Egypt and had to see a Cairopractor.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Well, I was driving the other day. I saw a sign that said speed checked by Radar. I always wondered what happened to him after M.A.S.H.

Did you hear that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were killed when their plane went down?

A bird flew into the engine.

Killed two stones with one bird!

If "womb" is pronounced "woom,

and "tomb" is pronounced "toom",

shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most.

I have a feeling this is going to burn.

Someone told me it's impossible to make a pun about vegetables

I say that's not nececelery true.

Books and authors...

Take Me Home by Courtney Rhodes.

Jump Off a Cliff by Hugo Furst.

Danger on the Cliffs by Eileen Dover.

Tan lines by Seymour Hiney.

Yellow River by I.P. Daily.

Under the Stands by Seymour Butts.

Running to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit and Bette Wont.

I Have a Secret by Kent Tel.

Pottery for Beginners by Tierra Kotta.

Close Call by Justin Tyme.

Baking Bread by Willet Rise.

How to become somebody by John Doe.

Don't Fence Me In by Barb Dwyer.

Creative gardening by Will Barrow.

My Pain by Arthur Itis.

The History of Breakfast Foods by Chris. P. Bacon.

A long walk by Miss. D. Bus.

The way to quick riches by Robin Banks.

A hole in the bucket by Lee King.

Stringed Instruments by Amanda Lin.

History of Playgrounds by Mary Goround.

They say there was a 100-meter butterfly in Tokyo today. 

I’m blaming the nuclear power plant.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

My power just went out!

It's a current event.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

One vowel saves another vowel’s life and the other vowel says “aiou”.

Traffic lights are a place where sound travels faster than light!

What if Stacy's mom was Jessie's girl and her number was 867-5309?

I Before E except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Weird.

Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"

I'm reading a horror story in braille.

Something bad is going to happen,

I can feel it.

A guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender, “gimme a walnut daiquiri”.

Bartender looks but he’s out of walnuts. He finds plenty of hickory, taste is

about the same, who’s gonna tell? The guy takes a sip and starts coughing. 

He says, “I ordered a walnut daiquiri!” The bartender says, “I swear sir, that’s

a walnut daiquiri!” The guy leans over and says, “I know my drinks and this is a hickory daiquiri, doc!”

“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door... He's standing right behind you.

How are unicorns fake but giraffes real? 

What's more believable, a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck?

I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

(A true tale)(found on the internet but very believable)

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Knowledge is power 

France is Bacon

(I had to look this one up.)

People threatening to boycott places requiring proof of vaccination don't realize they're just complying.

Rules to learning English...

1. Their our know rules.

Shawn:(yawns) I'm tired.

Shaun:(yauns) Me too.

Sean:(yeans) And me.

The invisible man just had a child.

He's now a transparent.

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

But it's a light sentence.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant autumn, not the collapse of civilization.