5246 - Saturday jokes

A wagon train of settlers are deep in Indian territory.

As they come to a rise, one of the settlers says, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

An Indian shouts back, "He's not our regular drummer."

They're called dentures? Why not substitooths?

Guy: "I know a guy with a little dick that sounds like an owl".

Guy2: "Who?"

Guy: "Exactly."

Astronauts are only allowed to use the Linux or Apple operating systems because it's dangerous to open Windows in space.

Circuses are struggling to find new clowns, as top prospects continue to go into politics.

FACEBOOK - WARNING

You have just violated a rule we haven't made up yet. 

Restaurant toilets are dangerous. So many of my dates have gone to use them, and vanished!

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling while frying?

Take away their little brooms.

Owning a KFC franchise is on my bucket list.

My doctor said to me, "Do you know your sperm count?"

I said, "I didn't know they were that clever."

Asian grading scale...

A - Average

B - Below average

C - Can't eat dinner

D - Don't come home

F - Find a new family

The CEO of Ikea was elected president of Sweden.

I hear he's still assembling his cabinet.

"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders." (George Carlin)

Bravery is arriving home late after 

a night out, being confronted 

by your wife with a broom, 

and having the guts to ask: 

Are you still cleaning, or are you 

flying somewhere?

Someone stole all my antidepressants. I hope they're happy now!

Him: The doctor said I could touch myself whenever I feel like it.

Her: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time.

The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake lasagna in your mailbox.

Canadian: Let's watch a movie.

American: Have you seen Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

I have a few jokes about retired people...

but none of them work.

I'm writing about all the things I ought to do before I die.

It's my oughtobiography.

If you open up a camp for kids with ADHD, would you call it a concentration camp?

My GPS has learned to say "your other left".

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site was dismayed at the language she would hear coming from the site. She decided she would take her lunch over one day and sit and eat lunch with the workers. 

Sporting a big smile and her lunch in a brown bag, she walked up to the group eating lunch and asked, "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads no and looked at each other very confused.

Then one of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled out, "ANYBODY UP THERE KOW JESUS CHRIST?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "WHY?"

The worker yelled back up, "'CUASE HIS MOM'S HERE WITH HIS LUNCH!"

Guy: Beautiful dog you got there.

Cop: Yes sir, this is Diesel, he's our drug-sniffing dog.

Guy: Still in training, huh?

Cop: What?

Guy: What?

I just found out that cockfighting is done with chickens. 

I just wasted 10 months of training.

Scientists have weighed a rainbow and found out it's pretty light.

I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

He replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

His name was Dick Moore.

Imagine if you will...

An atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you love Jesus".

What's the opposite of opposite?

I hear there's a threesome adult film coming out starring Tawndra called "Double On Tawndra".

So if you boil a funny bone will it become a laughing stock?

Why does a nurse carry a red crayon? 

Sometimes, she needs to draw blood!

So, I might have slightly misunderstood Pride Month.

Does anybody want to buy some lions?

What was Roy Orbison's favorite type of meat?

Only baloney.

What did the beaver say after building a skyscraper?

Will you look at this dam building!

In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. 

It was earie.

I'm looking for a married woman recently cheated on and scorned, willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious. That Israeli how he does it!

Did you ever think about the fact that Wikipedia built the modern Library of Alexandria using nothing but nerds' need to correct each other?

An office worker opened his pay envelope to find he was short by $100. He called the accounting department to voice his complaint. 

"You're right, we made a mistake," said the clerk, "but last week we overpaid you $100 and we didn't hear you complaining then." 

"Look," said the worker, "I can overlook one mistake. But two weeks in a row?”

The other day at Costco, a young cashier asked me, “You wanna box for that?”  I replied, “No but I’ll wrestle you for it”.  I thought it was funny, but all I got was a strange look from the cashier and a whack in the head from my wife.

Incontinence Hotline... please hold.