5253 - Saturday jokes

Yes, Bruce Lee was extremely fast, but did you ever meet his faster brother... Sudden Lee?

If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?

"Welcome to social media."

A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly. 

I went to get a haircut today.

Barber: What do you do for a living?

Me: I'm a writer, what about you?

Barber: ........ I'm a barber.

We didn't speak for the rest of the haircut.

I'm happy to announce that I shall never be interacting with another human being again.... ever.

Did you hear about the movie called Constipation?

It hasn’t come out yet.

Why is it when someone goes into a baby changing room with a baby they always come out with the same one?

This weekend I'm going to sling some candy out the door, toss a turkey in the oven, open a few presents, and call it a year.

If you were to take a person from Hong Kong and spun them around several times, would they become disoriented?

Imagine being an idiot in WWII London and refusing to turn your lights off at night because you didn't want the government telling you what to do.

I had a tough day on Facebook. I still don't know what you're supposed to comment under a photo of a new baby, but I've learned it isn't 'Yikes'.

Clothing tag: hand wash only.

Me: Tossing clothing into washing machine, "Go with God".

When two people kiss, they create a long tube from butthole to butthole.

Ice cream bowls say...

1. I scream

2. you scream

3. we all scream

...the crucial 4th ice cream bowl was lost at some point, forever altering the vibe.

She posted: Due to personal issues I'm going to be a bad bitch this summer.

So hide your husband and wife because I go both ways.

A small joy in life is that my sis is dating a guy with the same name as her cat, and human Nigel hates that we all call him human Nigel.

If clinging to superstition makes you happier and less terrified of death: great.

If it justifies your hatred and delusions of self-importance: go f**k yourself.

When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" Just to keep things real.

Please stop asking if I have kids. 

Those drawing on the fridge are mine!

If I die right after I pay my rent, sit me on the couch until the 30th.

I saw a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place. 

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. 

What if you're just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family, then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf?

"Dog food lid" spelled backward is "Dildo of God".

You know, in high school if you didn't believe in science it was just called failing. Michelle Wolf

A six-ton behemoth with spikes and a giant tentacle growing out of its face sounds way creepier than just 'elephant'.

Is it safe to say that the definition of "freedom" in America is now "I do what I want, you do what I want, and I have zero responsibility to society"?

I'm old enough to remember when that was the definition of "asshole".

So, someone who sews is called a sewer, right?

...

Well-tailored pun there…

Sew it seams

I’m hanging on by a thread

You’ve got me in stitches!

Needles to say, it’s a solid question.

I wouldn't tailor that to her face

A real sew and sew.

Anyone want to share butt jokes? I've got piles.

If you are following the advice from Fox and taking veterinarian Ivermectin, please get yourself spayed or neutered at the same time.

A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. 

She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. 

She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.

Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. 

The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find anything wrong.

Eventually, he asked the blonde, "Are you sure you're using the right gears?"

"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"

Sign in the bathroom: You only live once. Lick the bowl.

Mom to kid: "Leave the damn sign in the kitchen!"

Apparently, it's rude to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.

Teacher: Name something that starts with the letter 'E' that you're not very good at.

Student: Spelling.

As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.

Then I got social media.

Saw a job ad for a Latin teacher. The ad said the applicant must be a native speaker. Good luck.

You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't?

I don't have one of those.

Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the taser wrong.

Don't you hate it when you offer to help and the other person says yes?

A  SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping

room on a trans-continental train. 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit!

All the new genies: Holy shit!

My uncle was very sick. The doctor gave him 6 months to live. My uncle told the doctor that he didn't think he could pay his bill by then. So the doctor gave him another 6 months.

I'd bet that you would be really motivated if the weight you lost went to somebody you didn't like.

One morning a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee. Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she finished she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV Grandma, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Of all the saws I ever saw saw, I never saw a saw saw like that saw saws.

I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. 

My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars.

But I think it's the vodka.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. 

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" 

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

In the word laughter, the letter 'L' comes first.

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

Ok, so I guess I'm NOT as cool as I thought. I thought Ariana Grande was a font.