5260 - Saturday jokes

Do you remember, before the internet, that it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information?

Well, it wasn't that!

Due to the internet, stupidity has just gone public.

When people want to be stupid they always found a way to be stupid, Internet or not.

How many terrorists are there in Afghanistan now? We don't know because we can't count them. There's a tally ban.

I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy but so far it's not 27.

Gonna ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still available.

Guy at auto parts store: I need a headlight.

Clerk: Sure, what for?

Guy: So I can see at night.

What do you call a man with a small penis? : Justin

Ferris wheels are predominantly steel. If they were aluminum, they’d be non-ferrous wheels.

Do you suppose the run on Ivermectin has been caused by Republicans who have finally decided to get serious about global worming?

In retrospect, hiding all the microchips in Horse Dewormer was a stroke of genius.

The spouse and I took up woodworking.

A friend said he didn't know we were carpenters.

I said, "We've only just begun".

When I was in school, I had a second-hand calculator that had no multiplication button.

I tell you, times were hard back then.

Religion is like a penis. It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor, This is how the war against the machines begins.

A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary. 

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

If you ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

Sleeping could easily be my superpower if not for my archnemesis, pee.

Teacher: "If you had a $20 in your right-hand pocket, and another $20 in your left-hand pocket, what would you have?"

Me: "Someone else's pants on".

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty tollbooth, smashing it to pieces.

Sometime after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half-hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"

"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

What's in a honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone.

The Amish Powerball is up to 287 chickens, a goat, and 2 butter churns.

I went to an antique auction and people started bidding on me.

You ever hear a rumor about yourself and want to hear more?

Like damn, what did I do next!

Mom is mad at the dog because he ate a roll of paper towels.

Dad thinks it's funny. He's renamed him Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Her: You've been drinking beer. I can smell it on your breath.

Him: No, I've been eating frog legs. You're just smelling the hops.

I changed my car horn to a gunshot sound.

People move out of the way a lot faster now.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

When I visited the Weight Watchers' web page, the first question it asked me was, "Will you accept cookies?"

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says: "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word." The French man says: "True, but 'Papillion', the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful." The German asks, "What's wrong with 'Schmetterling'?"

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, CAN you?

Student: Yes. I might add that colloquial irregularities occur frequently in any language. Since you and the rest of our present company understood perfectly my intended meaning, being particular about the distinction between "can" and "may" is purely pedantic and arguably pretentious.

I have a new 'walking' app for my phone. It shows the pavement ahead of me so I can see where I'm going.

Believing in facts and science does not make you a liberal. It makes you literate.

Did you know that before Isaac Newton invented gravity in 1687, people could fly?

If you ever think English is not a crazy language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

I heard about a former chicken farm that was haunted. There were multiple sightings of a poultrygeist.

People who say "no pun intended" are cowards. Intend your puns!!

Justice is best served cold because if it was served warm it would be justwater.

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” his wife replied, "I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune.”

I came home tonight to find out someone had broken into my home.

Seems the only things that were taken were lightbulbs.

I was delighted.

Why are clothes so expensive? 

I shouldn't have to pay not to be naked.

People should pay ME to not be naked!