5274 - Saturday jokes

I was alone in the bath. Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

On their silver wedding anniversary, a woman turned to her husband and said: "Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?"

"Why shouldn't I?" he replied. "I stuck with you through the other six shades."

My husband gave me an ultimatum: it’s either him or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.

My wife is fed with my constant puns, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”

Wife: Whatever means necessary.

Me: No it doesn’t.

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They only live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication.

No matter what, you’re always working hard.

Pete was just standing there staring off into space while his girlfriend was next to him kissing another man passionately.

He couldn't say anything to her because the other guy was her husband.

Just marry her bro. What are you waiting for?

I don't want to marry her bother.

Jack, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jack was able to put in the low bid and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jack off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jack knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

A majority of archeologists are women due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

I got bored today.

So I put on a hazmat suit and went around chalking a big red X on random people's driveways.

Him...

Since the big bang 14 billion years ago, the universe has been expanding.

Like a balloon being inflated.

The distance between the galaxies, as well as atoms, is increasing every moment of every day.

The universe is expanding, and so is everything in it.

Even me.

Her...

Or maybe you're just eating too much.

Him...

Nope, it's science.

Prayers wanted. Nothing wrong.

I just want to hit the lotto and quit my job.

I remember when the phone was stuck to my house.

I put vegetables in my instant pot and pushed the "cake" button.

But they were still vegetables when it was done.

What did I do wrong?

No guy has ever said, "Man, she'd be really hot if her eyelashes were longer."

Her: I love Eminem.

Him: I prefer skittles.

Her: No, not the candy, the rapper.

Him: Why would you eat the wrapper?

What's wrong with manslaughter? 

Are men not allowed to laugh any more?

I'm addicted to collecting old Beatles albums. 

I need Help.

I told the waitress my steak was bad.

She picked it up and slapped it. "If it gives you any more trouble, let me know".

I just got 5 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Acupuncture may be fake, or possibly a placebo, and it may be a scam, but you can't say it's pointless. 

I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row without anyone complaining.

ABBA is the only palindromic group to have a palindromic hit, SOS, in a palindromic genre, POP.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they're flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Fun prank: Make them study for 16 years and then don't give them jobs.

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual.

“I just paid $15 for a coke & a ham sandwich. Let's start with that.”

When you're old, you take all your drugs after the concert.

Why do they call them urinal cakes, when they're clearly piscuits.

When you begin to EXCEL, haters start to Spreadsheet.

I called the hotel desk clerk and said I got a leak in the sink. 

He said go ahead.

For the record, if you are a descendent of those who arrived on the "The May Flower" and think it was the first, FYI - "The April Shower" arrived a month earlier.

Daughter: I'm dating the neighbor.

Mom: He could be your father.

Daughter: Age doesn't matter.

Mom: I don't think you're understanding me.

From a Dear Friend:

There's a new branch of the Olympics called the Olympdicks. It was held in Lake Flacid, but was a huge flop, so next year they'll be held at Viagra Falls.

The only meat a priest can eat on Friday is nun.