5281 - Saturday jokes

What do superfluous explosions, Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles, a coonskin cap, and the word “unjustice” have in common? 

They were all centerpieces of the GOP platform this week.

Waitress: Comfortable, sir?

Guy: Nope, comeforfood.

The greatest boxer of all time, Pastor Jim Jones. 

He took out hundreds of people with one punch.

If Jesus had been female, we'd be singing Hers in church.

Want to try an Australian kiss?

It’s like a French kiss but...

Down under.

Kiss me down under... no, not there .. kiss me where it smells the most. 

So I took her to Birmingham.

Fun stuff... Bring a big bolt to an amusement part, get on a roller coaster with someone that looks terrified. When the ride starts hold up the bolt and say, "Wait!, where did this come from?"

Einstien to the police officer who pulled him over...

"Officer, I'm telling you, speed is relative."

My therapist told me to finish things I started.

Today I finished 2 bottles of wine and a cake.

I feel better already.

I'm finally old enough to do anything I want.

Too tired to actually do it.

Just rolled over for a cuddle.

Forgot I'm single.

Fell off the bed.

I was trimming my nails when my grandma said, "You shouldn't cut your nails on Thursdays".

I had never paid any attention to superstitions but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"

She explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow; Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It's difficult to open beer cans and the plastic peanut packs with short nails."

Some superstitions do have a scientific basis.

A mosquito just landed on my husband's face.

Easiest decision of my life.

When you're stressed you eat ice cream, cake, and chocolate.

Why?

Because stressed spelled backward is desserts.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

You're supposed to say 'I do', not 'I'll try'.

You haven't experienced true heartbreak until you've been thinking about leftovers all day and then come home to find out that someone ate them.

12 mega plus rolls equals 54 regular rolls... 12 = 72; 30 = 68; 18 = 82. 

Toilet paper math is the hardest kind of math.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy 1 ply TP at the dollar store.

It's been a bit of a strange day.

First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

Buy my new book...

Everybody Sucks at Driving Except Me

Wife says to her husband, "Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?"

"Sure", he responds.

"Great!!! I'll see you on Monday!”

How many times do you have to click 'I accept cookies' before they send you the cookies?!

Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain more body heat.

So basically, the oily bird gets the warm. 

Person: What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?

Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I've peaked.

I let my kids follow their dreams unless I've already paid the registration fee on their last dream. Then they follow that one for 8 more weeks.

It's time to stop telling your underage daughter not to wear shorts when Uncle Randy comes over, and start telling Uncle Randy not to come over anymore.

My horse has worms and the pharmacy was out of everything except COVID vaccines.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.

He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.

"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews, and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!

Apparently, there are people out there who wash, dry, iron, fold, and put away their clothes - all in one day.

Yeah, I know. I'm confused too.

tRUMP: Bob Woodward is a liar.

Woodward: Funny, Nixon said the same thing.

Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess but I was right.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Killer.

The most expensive vehicle to operate is the Costco shopping cart.

An Ohio man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.

I would like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

Do you ever meet people so stupid you feel sorry for their dog?

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

To all the men out there. If a woman tells you that you're right, that's called sarcasm.

Sometimes I think I'm too picky.

Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

Mother-in-law came for dinner.

She asked, "Why does the dog keep looking at me?"

I said, "Because you're using his plate."

A man walks into a bar with a pet newt.

Bartender asks, "What's your pet's name?"

Man says, "Tiny".

Bartender, "Why Tiny?"

Man, "Because he's my newt."

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the world's oldest ever man that lived.

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

My identical twin has me listed in their phone as "spare parts".

I got thrown out of a Muslim clothes shop today.

I asked where the bomber jackets were.

Falling leaves make me think of Autumn dog poop.

You know it's out there, you just don't know exactly where.

The day may actually come when I fold my laundry.

But it's not THIS day!

I save money on clock batteries by only putting them in when I want to know what time it is.

This time of year at Walmart it's Fall Hallothanksmas.

Before I retired I didn't mind going to work. 

But that 8-hour wait to go home was a killer.

I'm gonna give you 4 things pick the one that doesn't belong.

Crab

Lobster

Swordfish

Chinaman hit by a truck.

Which doesn't belong?

The swordfish. The rest are all crushed Asians.

So I went to the store and bought some Spam. Thinking about making a nice Spam sandwich and a side salad, the grocery clerk asked me, “So you know you’re buying Spam, right?” So I told her I was gonna eat some while I was phishing.

I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at his" and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Oh, you need proof that the COVID vaccine is safe?

Rich people and politicians got it before anyone else.

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic. 

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? 

The ones in the casinos are serious.

You know when you tap a YouTube video to see how much longer it's got left?

I wish I could do that to people talking to me.

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

In a freak accident, I lost all the fingers on my right hand. I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it. He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it".

Them: Why do you carry a knife?

Me: The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with my 9mm, there were problems.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and added milk of magnesia, would you get a phillips screwdriver?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.