5295 - Saturday jokes

So I started my new job as head of IT at Facebook last Monday.

I think it went well.

What did the woman do when she saw her husband staggering in the backyard?

She shot him again.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!" The psychiatrist says, "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds, "but I'm not allowed on the couch."

I was having back problems and the doctor suggested doing the bicycle exercise where you lie flat on your back, put your hands under your hips, and roll your legs up and back over your head, and hold it for several seconds. Getting out of the shower one day, I decided to do the exercise unimpeded by clothing. I lay on the bed, put my hands under my hips, rolled my legs up till they were stretched over my head, and was holding that position when my husband walked in. 

He said, “My gosh Doris, put in your teeth and comb your hair, you’re starting to look just like your mother!”

Airline attendant to elderly woman: "When we asked you to turn off all electronic devices, we didn't mean your husband's pacemaker."

If Dog the Bounty Hunter finds Brian Laundrie before the FBI, I'm never paying taxes again.

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today.

I guess it's my own fault for using self-checkout.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Therapist: It seems like you fall in love too easily.

Me: What was that, Babe?

Dorothy taught us that all a girl really needs is a nice pair of shoes and a loyal dog.

Two women were on a bus fighting over the last seat. The bus driver had already tried to intervene when a passenger shouted, "Let the ugly one take the seat!" Both women stood for the rest of the ride.

Half of people are good at math. The other half are terrible. And yet another half just don't care at all.

I answered the door and a 6-ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat. Apparently, there's a nasty bug going around.

Republican "facts" come with a facepalm at the end.

You came from dust, and you will return to dust.

That's why I don't dust. It could be somebody I know.

When you think about how huge the earth is, and how the earth is just a tiny ball orbiting the sun, which in turn is just a minuscule spec in the universe... It's pretty easy to rationalize eating an entire pie.

I just learned that NASA is planning to launch 6 cows into low earth orbit on the next 4th of July.

It will be the herd shot round the world.

I went to a fast-food place that had a sign "All Morning Breakfasts". I thought, "That's not very fast."

So I went down the road to another fast-food place, and when I went inside, there was nothing there. I asked the waitress behind the counter what was going on. She said, "If you are on a fast, you've come to the right place."

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in life.

It's called an oughttobiography. 

I hate it when you go into the kitchen looking for food and all you find is ingredients. 

The most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

My girlfriend sent me this beautiful letter and I read it.

At the bottom, I crossed off her name and wrote my name.

Then I sent it back to her.

I never heard from her again.

I guess she didn't like what she wrote.

When the crow calls for help, it's giving caws for concern.

Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road.

It makes me nervous.

If you are a passenger in my car don't ever disrespect me by trying to sing lead.

It's my car. You are automatically a backup singer.

I make my dog watch commercials of the homeless dogs so he knows how good he has it.

Sign at the station:

Stay off the tracks. They are only for trains.

If you can read this, you are not a train.

What should you reply when a bully asks you, "Why are you so fat?" 

"Every time I screw your mom she gives me a cookie."

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were talking about.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Why don’t witches have babies? 

Because their husbands have Halloweines.

Cough

Rough

Though

Through

Why don’t these words rhyme but for some godforsaken reason,

Pony and Bologna do.

A man thinks housework is a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished:

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said. 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.'

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry, and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" Asked her friends.

"Oh that. Charles was too tired."

I've always wondered if Bon Jovi has a sister named Anne.

I asked a supermarket worker where the tinned peaches were.

He said, "I'll see", and walked away.

I asked another and he also said, "I'll see", and walked away.

In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in aisle C.

Ok, can someone tell me who is Pete, and why is he so special that we are doing things for his sake?