5309 - Saturday jokes

I was born a male and identify as a male.

But according to Stouffer's lasagna, I'm a family of four.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were.

Apparently "filling the deep well of sadness inside of me" was incorrect.

I normally don't brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

She said she missed me. But I need to get out of here because she's reloading.

I'm boycotting shampoo.

I demand real poo!

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment.

Locally sourced, all-natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I wake up every day planning to be productive. 

Then a voice in my head says, "Haha, good one!"

And we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

In Athens, no one gets up before noon.

It seems dawn is tough on Greece.

A woman was running late for Sunday mass. As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell Her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat, and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door, "Excuse me Father Ryan, is mass out?" The priest looked at her and said, "No, but your hat is kind of crooked".

It's interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart.

I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn't think the situation was this dire.

A book on marriage says to treat your wife like you treated her on your first date.

So after dinner tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents' house.

Before you marry someone, go sit in traffic with them for at least 2 hours.

I need to find a hobby that doesn't include eating or buying things.

Never seen anyone jogging and smiling.

That's all I need to know about that.

My anger management class pisses me off!

I'm sorry we can't hire you, but your background check was a hoot!

I always preferred the English spelling of "diarrhea" which is "diarrhoea", because it really looks like you have lost control of your vowels.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 of craft supplies?

In 20 years when the kids ask about the 2020 toilet paper shortage, I'm telling them we had to drag our butts across the lawn. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways. Dodging murder hornets.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

 

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues.  I don't even know eight people without issues.

 

Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

 

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns.  I replied, "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?"  

 

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?

 

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.

 

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

 

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.  It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

 

Covid-19 Fact:  87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.

 

I never make the same mistake twice.  I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

 

My train of thought derailed.  There were no survivors.

 

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer.  There's no other explanation for that type of income.

 

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony.  I'll decide in the car.

 

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

 

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite.  Apparently, you can't do this in Starbucks.  And now the cops are here.

 

Do not vaccinate health care workers first.  If it fails, we're all in trouble.  Vaccinate the politicians first.  If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.

 

In the 1980's I fell off my bike and skinned my knee.  I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

 

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine.  I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

 

Dear Sneeze:  If you're going to happen, happen.  Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

 

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.  Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.

 

I still have a full deck... I just shuffle slower.

I was wondering why music was coming from my printer.

Apparently, the paper was jamming.

I didn't know what a glory hole was. Now I regret looking into it.

Child: Now I lay me down to sleep, I praydalor my sodakeep.

God: What?

If Mike Rowe studies anatomy is it Mike Rowe Biology?

If Mike Rowe produces a movie is it Mike Rowe film?

If Mike Rowe plays roulette does he have Mike Rowe chips?

For $250 an hour, I will pose as a couples therapist and convince your loved one that they are wrong about everything.

I'm leaving you!

Is it because I act like I know everything?

YES!

I KNEW  IT!

People say nothing is impossible.

But I do nothing every day.

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.

He exemplifies everything the majority of Missouri voters seem to admire: Dishonesty & Incompetence.