I'm jealous of toddlers and their lack of social norms.
Imagine seeing someone you don't want to talk to, and the second they open their mouth, you just scream "NO" and run away.
16 2/3, 33 1/3, 45, and 78.
A quick memory will recall the significance of these numbers in record speed.
My idea of exercise is, fill the tub, pull the plug and fight the current!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they come back, it means no one else likes them either.
Let them go again.
I had to quit hunting elephants
I couldn't carry the decoys anymore.
My new dentist called back in to make another impression of my teeth.
Needless to say, he didn't make a good first impression.
I came from a generation where "keep talking" meant you'd better shut up.
I have a short story about the outside of some corn. Oh shucks, I forgot the rest.
A question a soldier in my platoon would ask of our platoon sergeant, just to piss him off: Is it hotter in the summer, or in the country?
Do you pack your lunch or walk to work?
Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing. I'm probably one strong fart away from total paralysis.
*Brings therapist to family gathering.*
Me: See?!
Therapist: OH. MY. GOD.!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When I listen to music,
My neighbors do too.
Just been to the gym. They got a new machine in.
I only used it a half an hour and I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It has everything.
KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, and lots more!
Over 300 insurrectionists have been turned in by their ex-wives.
Went to get a haircut today.
Barber: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a writer, what about you?
Barber: ....... I'm a barber.
We didn't speak for the rest of the haircut.
I'm happy to announce that I shall never interact with another human being again.
A high school math teacher spends half of her time making sure none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420.
Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Since when was Mike your best friend?
Since yesterday.
Just so you know, asking a taxi driver how much it would cost to get somewhere is a fare question.
If there was a pill to cure procrastination, I would probably take it tomorrow.
So my neighbor's wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping.
He said, "Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff".
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
There's this fella who loves two women.
One makes incredible pancakes. The other writes beautiful poetry.
Should he marry for batter or for verse?
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat until one of them dies.
What would happen if I hired private investigators to follow each other?
I had a student once ask how close does a fly get to the ceiling before it turns upside down to land?
I want my firstborn to be a mail child.
I'll keep you posted.
I've reached the age where artists I've never heard of are covering songs of other artists I've never heard of.
I got so drunk last night, I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
[BREAKING]: It is our duty to report that, tragically, Ted Nugent still exists.
Salt can't be the only delicious rock.
I'm going to eat rocks to find the good ones.
I bet they're trying to keep the good ones from us.
I need a girl that loves me for my money but isn't good at math.
2:00pm: Gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later.
2:06pm: Time to finish that sandwich.
Tonight, on unsolved mysteries we investigate how I got a 30-day ban for posting something on FB that I found on FB.
So I was in my garden today and the neighbor looked over the fence and said, "What are you doing?”
“I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order.”
She replied, “Really? I don't know how you find the time!”
Oh, that's easy I said, “It's right next to the sage.”
Her: Is four followers a lot?
Him: Depends on context.
On Blogger? Not at all.
In a dark alley? Yes, a lot.
Call your in-laws now and ask them what the wifi password is so they have time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
The number of people older than you never increases.
Two college professors, a professor of history and a professor of psychology, were vacationing at a nudist colony. They were sitting on the colony’s deck, watching the sunset. The history professor turned to the psychology professor and asked “Have you read Marx?” “Yes”, he replied, “I think they’re from the wicker chairs.”
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the world round.
I don't like my bread burnt, does that make me black toast intolerant?
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15 comments:
GROAN. And GRIN.
When "keep talking" meant "shut up." I wish we were still there.
OK, how close does a fly get to the ceiling before it turns upside down to land? Curious minds want to know.
Hahahahaha, finishing the sandwich!
True about the high school math teacher.
I'm surprised you didn't just post the telepathic one and be finished for the week.
Sue - If I got you groaning I've succeeded.
Bill - I remember those days.
Simmons - The possible answer was in a comment but I didn't verify it. It said the fly goes to the ceiling front feet first and then flips up.
Deb - I usually ate out at work. If I brought a sandwich to work for lunch it would never make it past 10. And then I'd go out to lunch.
Kathy - I just started wondering if there were more numbers for teachers to avoid. Apparently not. And that's a good thing.
John - Don't think that didn't cross my mind. Then I would have been set for next Saturday already.
Ha - love that one about the insurrectionists being turn in by their ex wives.
Lady - You would think those guys would know better... HA! Who am I kidding!
"The number of people older than you never increases."
Not true. At some time, old ladies realise it is now senseless
to keep lying about their age ;-)
Stu - I knew someone would come up with an exception to that one.
The very first one, I do, just in my head and walking instead of running. Thank you for the smiles. I don't know how you amass so many good ones every week!
The only one that I can't understand is "Do you pack your lunch or walk to work?" Is that a comment on how big the lunch is? Normally I wouldn't ask but I feel safe admitting my stupidity here!
Jenny - I wonder sometimes how many jokes people don't get but don't say anything. Sometimes I have to look through comments myself where I find a joke to get it. And once I get it it seems so obvious. When I post a joke like that I think "I hope everyone is smarter than me and gets this."
The soldier talking to his Sargent is just trying to confuse the Sargent with a nonsense question. The joke right after that is another nonsense question. Like "Is Jenny a girl or does she swim?"
Ah. Thanks for the explanation. Very deep :D And it made me realize I didn't get the first part either, and didn't realize the two parts worked together. Brain not working well!
Jenny - It's almost like your brain has a mind of its own.
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