5352 - Saturday jokes

In Star Wars anyone can hop in any spaceship and know how to fly it.

I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

My wife said to me, "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me". 

I said, "That's the fifth time you've said that today".

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes? 

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

I think my family is racist. 

​I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

Can we ban "yo mama" jokes? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11. 

We'd have IX/XI instead.

I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross. 

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'un-American'.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic.

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

My Gf says I can get anal on my birthday if this post gets 100 comments. Please comment because I want to rearrange the whole house to make all the furniture perfectly symmetric from every angle.

In another 3029 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad. It’s 5050.

Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it.

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! 

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

In a freak accident, I lost all the fingers on my right hand. I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied, "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it".

If astrology isn't real, then how come every Scorpio I meet is born in either October or November?!

Your holiday being ruined because your wifi BBQ pit needs to do a software update is some real cyberpunk suburban dystopian shit.

"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

Looters have it easy today. In 1968 it was really hard to run off with a console TV/stereo.

Daughter: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

Dad: That's good, but your brother Daniel is still the reigning champ.

Daughter: Who?

Bad news: I took the wrong medication this morning.

Good news: For the next 30 days, I'm protected from heartworm and fleas.

My friend Sarah accidentally left her Pepsi 60 miles south of Tampa.

That's the location of Sarah's soda.

How do you know when you've become an adult?

When your whole day is ruined because they rearranged the grocery store.

Why do professional athletes think I should care about what they think?

If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, I'd ask my dog.

I just cleaned my floor using only my feet and some baby wipes without spilling my wine. If anybody needs a life coach...

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

I did not slap you, I high fived your face.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context".

Fox News: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless".

.The doctor said I'd live longer if I cut out certain things.

..What kind of things?

.The kind of things that make me want to live longer.

Someone asked me where Walla walla was located.

I told him somewhere between ting tang and bing bang.

People are so easily offended these days. That's why I only ever make jokes at the expense of white men. Their thick skins and calm rational attitudes make them impossible to upset.

We squint at the sun because it is bright.

We squint at Marjorie Taylor Greene because she's not.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to just be myself.

So I'm not going to answer the phone.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries.

Until I unpacked them and said, "That's how I want you to do it".

I reached a new culinary milestone today.

I set off the neighbors smoke alarm.

Costco cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: I wasn't looking for any of this!

You may be drinking too much coffee if the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there.

What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? I asked for coffee.

Every morning, I see this exhausted person who looks like they would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee? Raw raw raw ra rawah.

Why did the gardener save his coffee grounds? For sedimental reasons.

How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup to the top of my car. Now everyone waves at me.

Knock, knock! 

Who’s there? 

Cow go. 

Cow go who? 

No, cow go moo.