Sunday, January 16, 2022

5395 - Long joke Sunday

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.


Kirk said...

Judge #3 should just stick with Wendy's chili. It cools quickly, even without a beer.

River said...

Sounds like an excellent reason to stick with crackers and cream cheeses.

Elephant's Child said...

I wonder how long it will take the paramedics to decide who (if anyone) is going to give mouth to mouth to Judge #3?

Mike said...

Kirk - Judge #3 would be me. And I know better than to get even close to stuff like that. If I'm in a restaurant and the waitress walks by with a plate of spicy crap, I can feel it in my eyes.

River - Sweet things are my downfall.

Sue - If I were a paramedic I wouldn't even go in a place like that.

John A Hill said...

Funny every time!

Mike said...

John - I thought of you today when I saw an ad or meme for supposed hot sauce. It had a name that would make you think they had found a new level of hot. ....... OK, I had to go find it. It's called 'Shit in the Bed'.
But with a name like that, you would think it would be a contender to beat the Carolina Reaper.
35,000 Scoville Units? What a bunch of wimps.

Bilbo said...

I like spicy food, but the spice should highlight the other flavors, not burn off the top three layers of your tongue.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

"Legal Lip Remover" -- LOL!

Kathy G said...

"MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI". I knew you didn't like hot food, and was surprised that you would think about cooking it :-)

Mike said...

Bill - I'm sure I've mentioned this before but the capsaicin attacks the nerve cells on your tongue and kills some of them. Then you can eat hotter stuff because you don't have as many nerve cells. If you stop eating capsaicin your nerve cells will grow back and you'll have to start all over again.
(Wikipedia) "It is common for people to experience pleasurable and even euphoric effects from ingesting capsaicin. Folklore among self-described "chiliheads" attributes this to pain-stimulated release of endorphins."

Deb - These concoctions need nastier names than what they have.

Kathy - Never in a million years. See my comment to Kirk above.

jenny_o said...

I can't eat anything the least bit spicy, so I am feeling pretty sorry for Judge #3 :)

Mike said...

Jenny - I'm right there with you.

Susan Kane said...

you must have a really wimpy digestive system. I made some chili for a competition, used good ingredients (chopped those pepper myself). Problem was, you need to scrape out the seeds from the jalapenos and habeneros. The seeds' fire can wipe the skin off your tongue.

Mike said...

Susan - Nope, nope, nope. All that nasty stuff can burn my eyes just by being close to it.

Lady M said...

I love spice! The description of the vegetarian chili by judges 1 and 2 is making my mouth water. I will have to make some this week. I froze all kinds of fun hot peppers last summer from my garden that are a blast to cook with.

Mike said...

Lady - I think you should make them all, then do a report for us. Let's see, there are 8 recipes, that would be 8 NOPES for me.

Cloudia said...

He Daid

Mike said...

Cloudia - Those would remover more than my lips.