5401 - Saturday jokes

I'm getting a Ph.D. so when I get something in the mail that I've purchased, I can say, "Ah, just what the doctor ordered!" every single time until I die!

Romeo: Juliet is the sun!

Neil deGrasse Tyson: (loudly from the balcony) NO SHE ISN'T!

If a guy starts a rumor that he had sex with you and you deny it, people won't believe you. Instead just say, "Yeah it was really bad. And he shouted out his mom's name."

If you are 1 in a million, there are 7000 people just like you.

She passed on the scalloped potatoes because "I really don't like seafood."

It was at that moment that I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.

Oreos are actually made from vegan ingredients, including pure cocoa and cream made from soy, oil, and corn.

So, the next time you eat a sleeve of Oreos in one sitting, don't feel guilty.

Be proud of yourself for leaving your comfort zone and exploring veganism.

When I was a little girl, I laughed when my mom crossed her legs when she sneezed.

I no longer find that funny.

Job interviewer: It says here that you are quick with mathematics. What's 17x19?

Me: 36

Interviewer: That's not even close!

Me: But it was quick.

 

Amazon delivery drones...

Skeet shooting with prizes.

I was at the store and there was an X on the floor by the register marking the place for me to stand.

I've seen too many road runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your pan?

You take away their little brooms.

People on benefits aren't negatively affecting your life in the slightest.

Your life sucks because of the rich, and blaming people on benefits is exactly what they want you to do.

They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable.

But how about a compromise like moderately well off and moody?

Kids with lice should be able to attend school and sit with kids that don't have lice.

Kids with lice have rights!

Treatment should be optional. Don't be a sheep!

Dad! I need your help. I've got a flat tire.

  Can't your husband help?

I called him but he's busy.

  OK, do you have a spare?

I called him too but he didn't answer.

Me: I'm terrified of the vertical axis.

Therapist: Why?

Me: AARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Bats now use the term "trumpshit crazy".

Sister Abigail of Nice was highly respected for her wisdom.

Although it seemed wrong to me, they called her Nun the Wiser.

Pregnant woman in labor: OH GOD!!!

Doctor: PUSH PUSH!

Husband: (pushes her off the bed)

Doctor: I MEANT HER!

Husband: I DID!

The look on your face when you try to leave work a little early and your boss reminds you that you have 7 hours left.

At our church trivia night, our table was asked the question, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently, the answer is Fiji.

Although, I thought my answer was spot on too.

Teacher: Name a book that made you cry.

Me: Algebra.

Just helped a neighbor bury a rolled-up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've done it, but he's out of town.

I played a game of quiet tennis today.

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

Ask a capitalist why they hate socialism and they'll describe capitalism.

I couldn't find a parking spot at work today so I went home.

It looked like they had enough people.

Driving through the midwest is boring. But every 70 miles you see a sign "God is real/Hell is real too", followed by a sign for a store that sells XXL dildos.

Me: Moves the shower handle one millimeter to change the temperature.

Shower: SO! You have chosen... death!

A big storm is coming and everyone is buying Milk, bread, and eggs.

Apparently, during a storm, you're supposed to make french toast.

Texting...

Daughter: Hello Mom, I need your advice. I have some cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?

Mom: It's nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.

Daughter: Oh my God, mom... sorry, I meant to spell gum. But what hell?

I took the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.

I took my wife to that new steakhouse in town called STEAKS R US.

I'm not saying the service was bad or anything it's just that when I told my waitress that my steak was bad, without missing a beat she put her cigarette back in her mouth picked up the steak slapped it a few times, and said, bad steak, threw it back on my plate and said if it acts up again to let her know!

I asked my wife what she made for dinner when I got home from work and she simply threw her cookbook on the table, tells me my favorite is on page 69, and they sell all the ingredients at Walmart, bon appetit!

It's going to be a long night!

Jobs I'm applying for keep asking for three references and I think I might start doing the same.

Like, let me talk to three happy employees, please.

I thought I'd used up every "fuck you" I had for republicans, but I found one in the couch cushions.

So, fuck you Manchin and Sinema.

I was hiking in the woods with my seven-year-old son. It was eerily quiet.

Out of nowhere, he says, "The woods demand a sacrifice."

Yikes!

I got an email saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backward!"

I thought, "That's just spam."

Whoever lost the iPhone 11 pro max outside the Dollar Store about 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

My friend said she can't hang out this weekend because she just gave birth. WTF?! You've known the baby 1 day and me 15 years!

As I've aged, I'm eternally grateful that I've gotten fatter instead of more politically conservative.

What's that little teapot light on my car's dashboard?

I haven't lost all my marbles yet, but there's definitely a small hole in the bag somewhere.

Old joke... Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana 2. Nene 3. Nini 4. Nono. What is the name of the 5th Daughter?

A guy met a bunch of guys from Harvard. He kept pretending he'd never heard of that school just to piss them off. One of the Harvard guys turned bright red when he asked, "Harvard? Is that like a community college?"

Yesterday I completed a chore I've been putting off for five months.

It took me twenty minutes.

I will learn nothing from this.