5408 - Saturday jokes

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

My goal is to be that old person everyone is afraid to take out in public.

The rich want a society based on punishment because a society based on care would render them obsolete.

Manager: What qualifications do you have?

Applicant: I have a Ph.D.

Manager: What do you mean by Ph.D.?

Applicant: Passed High school with Difficulty.

Someone offered me grapes but I declined.

I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Does anyone know when we get our W-2s for working as cashiers at the self-checkout lane?

Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first woman said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so large!"

The first old lady said, "And cold, too!"

A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about.

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims, "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up, and says, "Come on Yossle, we are not welcomed here".

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

Old joke - Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his feet, he leans against the wall and spreads his arms. The nuns mistake him for a Jesus statue and take a second to admire how "lifelike" it is. One of them turns to the other with a glint of mischief in her eye and says, "I always wanted to do this" and she gives a little tug at the man's penis. Startled, the man drops one of the soaps, "Ooooh! it's a soap dispenser!" the nuns exclaim and of course, the other one wants one as well and gives him another tug. He drops the other soap hoping they will go away. "Well we should also get one for Sister Augustine," they say to each other and tug, and tug, tug, tug, tug, "Ooh shampoo!"

My granddad used to perform as a human statue.

I remember him, still.

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician.

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expects him to best the world's most famous magicians. But he waves his hand, and, *poof*...

...the 300,000-man Afghan National Army disappears.

I wish first dates were more about normal activities like running errands together. That way, if there's no chemistry, at least I got light bulbs and picked up my dry cleaning.

I think "nonfungible" sounds like it means "cannot be turned into a mushroom".

An orchestra of 120 players takes 40 minutes to play Beethoven's 9th Symphony. How long would it take 60 players to play the symphony?

(Do NOT answer this in comments.)

A pastor of a church is sitting in his study when the phone rings.

"Hello, is this Pastor Jones?" the caller asks.

"It is", replies the Pastor.

"This is Bill Johnson with the Internal Revenue Service. I was wondering if you could answer a few questions for me?"

"I'll try", said the Pastor.

"Do you know John Timmons?"

"I do".

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"Yes, he is".

"Did he donate $30,000 to the church?"

"...He will."

...

Jokes from pastors...

What is reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child’s body.

What’s black and blue and hates anal sex?

The little boy in my basement.

Why does your dad's dick taste like blood?

Your sister just had her period.

What’s 12 inches long, has a purple head, and makes women scream?

A stillborn.

...

I couldn't decide if I wanted bangs or not so I cut bangs on my daughter and she looks awful. Dodged a bullet there!

Where's the delete winter button?

A case for more support for public education...

Hello. I ordered a dozen custom masks from you. However, you only sent me 12! I really needed them all. I would like a refund please and I will no longer support your business. I try to support black own businesses but you guys continue to rip people off.

Guy 1: Redistribution of wealth doesn't work.

Guy 2: Did the guys with the wealth tell you that?

I came into work early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as possible. Some might say I'm a monster. Others will say I'm a nomster.

I’ve never been in a race car but I have been in a car with my husband when Home Depot called to say his order was ready for pickup.

I'm the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I already ate.

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies because you know what they say about old habits...

Why argue with an anti-Vaxer when you can just wait.

Fitness Instructor: Have you ever done a marathon?

Me: You mean like on Netflix?

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women.

Go to Hobby Lobby. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1.

AND, they're already looking for things they don't need.

Let me see if I've got this right...

If I have a degree and I'm struggling with student debt, I shouldn't have wasted money on college and gotten a real job.

But if I have a blue collar job and I'm struggling with low wages, I should have gone to college so I could get a real job.

Did I miss anything?

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the station wasn't coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Cop: Anyone else in the vehicle?

Me: Yeah, your Mom.

Cop: Very Funny.

Mom: (from the backseat) Hi sweetie.

Cop: What the hell!

He dumped me so I started dating his landlord.

We're increasing the rent tomorrow.

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."

You know your credit is really bad when you receive a credit card offer that is pre-declined.

Have you ever heard a rumor about yourself and actually wanted to hear more?

Like DAMN! What did I do next!

Shower thoughts Guy: If 666 is evil, then 25.8069758801127 is the root of all evil.

Guy 2: Do you have a fucking calculator in your shower?

I tripped walking on the sidewalk because my glasses prescription ran out.

Her: I love animals.

Him: I work with animals.

Her: Ah! Are you a vet?

Him: No, I'm a butcher.

Sold the house and bought an RV.

Kids can't move back home if they can't find us.

What's the difference between Kid Rock and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug one of them in before they suck.

Does radiocarbon dating really work?

Scientists put a lot of work into it, so isotope so!

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

One says, "Eat the chocolate."

The other says, "You heard her, eat the chocolate!"

I married my wife for her looks.

Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.

I can't decide whether to end on a neurology joke or a proctology joke.

So I guess I'll flip a coin, heads or tails.

(Whoops, it landed on its edge.)

She fell in love with a teacher, but he had no class.

(and 25 more)

https://thelanguagenerds.com/2021/26-jokes-about-unrequited-love-featuring-witty-puns-shared-for-a-viral-twitter-trend/