5415 - Saturday jokes

FREE SNOW SHOVELING CLASS: 

Soon I will be holding a FREE snow shoveling class in my driveway. Come and join the class and learn about the proper ways to shovel. Reviewed techniques will include the scoop and throw method, the down and push method (AKA the plow technique), as well as the upside-down scraping technique. Don't miss out on this amazing opportunity to enhance your snow lifting techniques without throwing your back out! I will provide the driveway to ensure your training is conducted in the most life-like situation, I only ask that you bring your own shovel (Ergonomical designs suggested). PM me for additional details and times. Space is limited and handled on a first-come-first-served basis. Subject to date change depending on total accumulation. 

Call me, beverages will be served!

Test question 4:

List four advantages of breast milk.

1. Can not be stolen.

2. Always available when needed.

3. No need to boil.

4. Stored in attractive containers.

All 4 were marked wrong. 

A man is in court. The judge says, "on the 3rd of August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" : "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point, a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point, the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next-door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!

I read the nutrition facts on a box of cookies.

I found out I need to eat 83 cookies to get 100% of my daily protein.

I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes.

I'm getting back four million dollars this year!

If you're 40+, it's time to leave the young girls alone and get a woman that understands the signs of a stroke.

A dung beetle walks into a bar...

"Is this stool taken?"

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently. 

Have you ever cheated on a test and still failed?

Being able to respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.

There is a lakeside dock that is made of hickory. If it's been raining, caution is advised because it becomes a slippery hickory dock.

When your kid complains that their toy isn't working anymore,

and you have to pretend to be shocked like you didn't take the batteries out.

Cashier: That's $25.25.

Me: 🎵If man is still alive, if a woman can survive...🎵

Blank stares all around.

A lot of people don't realize that the actor that played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Her: We broke up a year ago! Will you please stop playing chess with my dad on messenger? It's disgusting!

Him: Just because I lost the queen doesn't mean I give up the king.

I cooked on the back left stove burner just to feel something different.

Thanks for following my journey.

Me: Doc, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning.

Doc: Wake up in the afternoon then.

(Great advice!)

The English language is so crazy with silent "K"s.

One silent K in "knot".

Two silent K's in "knuckle".

Three silent K's in "republican".

Four silent K's in "knickknack".

Gugulethu Mhlungu asked...

Why is baked pronounced baked but naked isn't pronounced naked?

Charlie Short replied...

Pretty bold of you to ask that since you got named after the sound a plunger makes.

All the faith he had had had had no effect on his life.

English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

If you invite someone to your cottage in the forest it sounds nice and cozy.

But if I invite you to my cabin in the woods then you're going to die.

My boyfriends' first language isn't English and he asked me how to say "cut" in the past tense.

I said "cut" and he let out a wail of anguish and fell to the ground.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

*airhorn sound*

*second airhorn sound*

Me: This isn't deodorant!

I getting really tired of babysitting my moms' grandkids.

If we can get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to get through another month.

I literally know every phone number.

I just don't know who they belong to.

What do you get when a church burns down?

HOLY SMOKE!

Great tombstone inscription...

Here lies Lester Moore. 

Four slugs from a .44. 

No Les. 

No more.

My 4-year-old son came running out of the bathroom to tell me he dropped his toothbrush into the toilet. I fished it out and threw it in the trash.

He stood there for a moment thinking, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Person giving me directions: You can't miss it.

Me: You wanna bet.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today.

But those cops came out of nowhere.

My dad saw me reading a book called "Looking for Alaska".

Dad said, "I don't want to spoil anything but it's a little left of Canada".

My card was declined after my therapy session and my therapist started calling me a loser.

I think my dream job would be to get paid to sleep!

(true or not, they're funny.)

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

(If you really want to mess with the cashiers at fast food places, go to the bank and get some $2 bills.)

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast-food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a

service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed.