5436 - Saturday jokes

I don't always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket.

I went to an archaeology party recently where they were only looking for the remains of a lower leg.

It was quite the shindig.

Healthy eating tip #43...

I pick fresh vegetables every day.

I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon.

I was sitting on a bus behind a young kid who kept turning around and making faces at me.

After a few minutes, I said, "When I was young my mother told me if I kept making ugly faces my face would stay like that."

The little shit replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

In the 1950s they were afraid of godless communism when what they really needed to fear was godless Christianity.

"Today I was talking to myself. I was very polite and cordial but I could tell I was lying." -- Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time". -- Steven Wright

She asked me if I slept good. I said, "No I made a few mistakes". -- Steven Wright

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators." -- Steven Wright

"I'd kill to get a Nobel Peace Prize." -- Steven Wright

"If Miles Davis lived in Europe would he be Kilometers Davis?" -- Steven Wright

"If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?"  -- Steven Wright

My spouse has taken to leaving butter on the counter, European style. I just caught the cat licking the butter. It appears it's been doing this for months. We've been eating cat-butter for months.

Piano player at a lounge: This next song is called "Piano Man" and it's about how everyone at this bar is a fucking loser.

That feeling you get when the teacher walks up to you during an exam, looks at your paper, then shouts, "Guys, make sure you read the questions carefully!"

Don't tell secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beanstalk.

Everyone told Sam not to sing.

But Samsung anyway.

Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

My daughter was doing her history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, "He's a poor boy from a poor family."

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they have never seen one of his paintings. 

(From Deb through Rachel Ridenour) https://www.loc.gov/resource/wpalh1.17091104/?sp=1&st=text

2 Y's U R,

2 Y's U B.

I C U R

2 Y's 4 ME!

(And these too.)

When you stand before the tub, 

think of me before you rub.

Your friend till the ocean wears rubber panties to keep its bottom dry.

“You should worry, you should care, you should marry a millionaire. 

He should die, you should sigh, you should marry another guy.”

Karen on Facebook: "Going to the dentist now. Hate having to put things in my mouth."

Me: "That's probably why your husband left."

*Unfriended by Karen*

Thepenisinmymouth.

Did you read 'the pen is in my mouth'?

No, you didn't!

Him: God sent tRUMP to us.

Her: It's cool that you're so open with your mental illness.

Anal sex - The only time a man tries to convince her his dick really isn't that big.

The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.

(It’s called acclimation. You ease them into it, so they don’t really notice as you peel back the layers.)

Her: I'm sorry Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Preist: For the last time, it's forgive me father for I have sinned!

Mom said alcohol is your enemy.

Jesus said love your enemy.

Case closed!

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas.

Just went to jump into bed and ended up in the neighbor's flower garden.

Him: You drink too much caffeine.

Him2: Yeah, well coffee spelled backward is eeffoc. And I don't give eeffoc about your opinion.

The first thing I do when I get up is look out the window to see what season it is today.

Trump Fears Putin Too Distracted By Ukraine To Help Him With 2024 Campaign.

Freedom of speech isn't freedom from repercussions. 

That's why everyone who works retail doesn't tell you to go fuck yourself.

Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged thing at a thrift store that doesn't smell.

My sister said that after 40 men were like parking spots at the mall, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I don't usually talk about my expensive trips, but I just got back from the grocery store.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better but it dies in the process.

Him: Are you a mortgage cause you're gaining my interest.

Her: Ha. My turn?

Him: Oh yeah, let's hear it.

Her: Are you a loan officer because leave me a loan.

Her: But Gloria, you know I'm straight.

Gloria: So is spaghetti until it gets wet.

Comment- When you do it right they seem to get limp like spaghetti. Better than guys who turn into a used tube of toothpaste.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

Just because you're going 5 miles over the speed limit doesn't mean you can drive in the left lane.

Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

Heartwarming... A 2YO's family couldn't afford a $20,000 electric wheelchair, and their insurance wouldn't cover it.

So a high school robotics team burned down the insurer's headquarters.

Did you know that the star, Sirius, is moving towards Earth a nine miles per second?

That means someday we could be in Sirius trouble.

Every "e" in "Mercedes" is pronounced differently.

Doctor: You have a very very rare disease.

Me: What's it called?

Doctor: What do you want it to be called?

Once you hit a certain age you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of shit.