5443 - Saturday jokes

Her 1: My gynecologist recognized me at the supermarket today.

Her 2: You're going to have to start wearing longer skirts.

Jesus pissed off a lot of people. "Hey, would you stop turning water into wine, I'm trying to take a shower."

Guy and his girlfriend are at dinner in a restaurant.

Him: Say something that will make my heart pound, baby.

Her: Your wife is behind you.

Mom asked if Grindr is for "ordering subs" and I just walked out of the room.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, it only applies if you can already swim without it.

Ahhhh, remember when you didn't hold the flashlight right and dad's already six bottles of angry juice deep and he starts using no no words?

If you write a book "How to Become a Failure", and you don't sell any copies...are you successful?

I was wondering why music was coming from my printer. Apparently, the paper was jamming.

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(Well, it's been a busy week. That's all the jokes I've collected so far this week. Let's see if I can up the joke count a little.)

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Gas just told lumber, "Hold my beer".

These GPA looking gas prices need to go.

$3.89 is summa cum laude gas.

I need some academic probation gas.

I don't usually brag about going to expensive places,

but I just left the gas station.

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive.

These are not 'ride around listening to music' gas prices.

UPS tracking: "Your package is in X city, USA on a truck driven by Bob and will be at your door at 2:37PM".

FedEx: "Your package is coming. You'll get it when we give it to you".

USPS: "You ordered something?"

Amazon: "We're inside your apartment".

Facebook: "We know you were just thinking about getting a toaster oven. Here are 15 ads for toaster ovens".

There is no force in the universe stronger than the force that holds 2 five gallon buckets together.

My mother-in-law came over to eat supper with us.

Halfway through the meal, she asked why our cat kept staring at her.

I said it's because you're using the cat's bowl.

Poetry in motion.

5 seats in the front row.

7 seats in the middle.

5 seats in the back.

Haikubaru.

Rod Serling...

Imagine if you will, people joining a facebook group with a clearly stated theme of "jokes".

Then, being unable to recognize jokes as such when they see them.

I ordered a bomb shelter like the kind when I was a kid.

It's a school desk.

I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart...

I forgot where I was going with this, but do know that I love bacon!

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

Oh look, spring is here.

Annd it's gone...

NO WAIT, it's back!

Annd it's gone again...

Look at his weather being all springy and cute like it just didn't try and kill us last week.

Nurse to patient: Try to get some rest. I'll be in every few minutes to make sure you don't.

Walmart had to remove 50,000 milk cartons from their stores.

The labels had to be changed from "open here" to "open at home".

My cities potholes will change your radio station, unlock your door, and knock your wig off.

TV cooking show: And then you can use the leftover beer to make battered chicken wings.

Me: What's leftover beer?

A new fragrance for introverts...

Leave me the fa-cologne.

Dog prayer...

Now I lay me down to sleep,

in seconds I'll have fallen deep,

my human went to take a pee,

now the bed belongs to me.

Husband: Why do you keep buying plants when you just keep killing them?

Wife: Just to remind you what I'm capable of.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Purses are just junk drawers with handles.

If you replace the W in When, Where, and What, with a T, you get the answer to each question.

My husband explaining bedtime to the kids...

"It's not about how tired you are.

It's about how tired you're making everyone else."

I think it's adorable that they're putting jokes on the side of snacks now.

Listen to this one: Serving size 3 cookies.

All I'm saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert, he could have given that horse a name.

Next time you visit someone with an Alexa...

"Alexa, set a 3AM alarm with horror movie sounds."

When someone dies, people cry and beg for them to come back.

But when they do, there's all this running and screaming.

Jimmy: You see what I did with all this corn? I cracked it all.

Me: Jimmy, I cannot possibly tell you how much I don't care.

Ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

Roses: "The Ph of the ground is too high. I'm going to die!"

Dandelions: "Woo Hoo! Concrete!"

I love you.

            Love you too.

More than ur dogs?

            Don't push your luck.

A 72-hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.

My hobbies include eating and also thinking about the next time I'll be eating.