A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
The least she could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but no. Every once in a while, I find a $5 bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. And I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $50 and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, chips, and sweets. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobes when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knobs and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me.
I hope she never finds out where you live!
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17 comments:
Too well done. I have recently come to the conclusion that I am actually let us say not Young any longer. Where is the bounce in my step gone?!
Cloudia - Bounce and step are words that don't go together anymore.
I still dream of running, playing baseball and basketball...dreams are wonderful. In my dreams, I am young and still immortal. When morning comes and I manage to get out of bed, it is always a sad moment when I realize the difference between my dreams and reality. However, I'm still putting up a fight and enjoying the smell of clean fresh air every morning, but I doubt that I can do another 69 years.
Simmons - I plan on living forever. So far so good.
Off Topic : In order to demonstrate that he does not have Covid-19, Putin has agreed to have his temperature taken in public on TV.
Kiew is sending a free, freshly sharpened, rectal thermometer ;-)
Her husband is at my place.
Too late! The woman is in my house, too.
Hey, I've got one of those old ladies too! Small world.
I used to run 5 miles a day. Now I'm happy to be able to walk up the stairs!
That lady lives here too. She's a busy one :) Sadly, this is also what my mother is going through with dementia except she wouldn't get the joke. She is getting to the stage where she is blaming people, sincerely, for things she has done herself. I am just dreading the day when I become one of those she blames.
Oh dear, that went dark fast. Sorry! It's still a good joke.
Stu - With it put in his ear as far as it will go.
Bill - Same here.
Kathy - She's everywhere...
Deb - she's everywhere!
Shaw - I couldn't do 5 minutes now.
Jenny - I think we're all headed in that direction eventually.
I have the same old lady in my mirror, but with less wrinkles and more puffiness and she has jowls too! Serves her right for eating all my chocolate and stealing my money.
River - Sounds like you need an order of protection.
Thank you for visiting my blog. I know that old lady well.
Liz - Seems like everyone knows that pest.
Yeah, that Old Broad broke into this house too, sometimes I even feel sorry for her, well, when she's not pissing me off, because, well, she kinda looks like an Older and scarier version of myself!
Dawn - Maybe an older sister you didn't know you had?
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