5458 - Saturday jokes

2022: Gas station gift cards are now a romantic gesture.

"He went to Jared" is out...

"He went to Mobil" is now in.

A bittersweet announcement, but after an amazing 2 years as an infectious disease expert, I'm moving on.

I am now an expert on no-fly zones and Eastern European affairs.

Excited to make the most of this new opportunity.

8 file drawers:

The first is labeled A-K

The last one is labeled M-Z.

The secretary explained: “The middle six drawers contain “L” because we receive a lot of letters!”

I've been hiding from exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

Happy "my car clock is right again" day to all those who celebrate.

If you had Ron DeSantis attacking Disney World because of communism on your bingo card today, you win.

I don't think the therapist is supposed to say "wow" that many times in your first session, but here we are.

The four horsemen of procrastination...

Napping

Snacks

Social media

Minor chores

Mom: If a stranger came up to you and said, "I'm your mom's friend, she told me to pick you up," What would you say?

Kid: I'd say, "You're lying. My mom doesn't have any friends."

Mom: Not where I was going, but OK.

If I'm ever known as the one that got away...

It will be from an asylum.

Most non-religious people wouldn't have a problem with religion if it was something benign and privately practiced, instead of something weaponized to oppress people, justify harmful beliefs and rituals, proselytize and convert, and infiltrate government.

What's your plan if a nuclear was starts?

I'm pretty sure my employer wants me to work that day. So I guess I'm working.

On March 14, 1883, Karl Marx made his most important contribution to mankind, he died.

I was bored, so I put a pregnancy test kit box in the trash at work.

My son accidentally colored something blue instead of green. I told him to just color over it with yellow. When it turned green he asked me if I'm a witch and I didn't say no. I bet he'll clean his damn room now!

Things that made a little kid cry this week...

- I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare.

- The bath was "too wet".

- He wanted syrup for breakfast, just syrup.

- His sister "keeps looking at him".

- He wants shoes like his friend Jacob. (there is no Jacob)

Good luck on robbing my house.

My home security system is LEGOS on the floor.

Son: You're pretty.

Mom: Aww.

Son: Even when you just waked up you're so pretty.

Mom: Awwww.

Son: Can I have Doritos for lunch?

Mom: There it is...

Moms of little boys -- go ahead and soak up that sweet baby boy smell, because in a few years his feet will stink so badly you'll pull the car over, convinced there's a rotting raccoon carcass in it.

What’s it like having 4 boys?

My son just threw a waffle into the ceiling fan so he could see what would happen, with all of his brothers cheering him on. 

At the airport.

Just kissed 13yo son on his forehead.

He reacted like Dracula getting impaled by a wooden stake.

My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I'm still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.

Shoutout to all my fellow procrastinators who are reading blogger right now instead of doing whatever productive thing you should be doing.

We should start a club. Not right now but maybe later.

I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's the secret?"

He said, " I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm too scared to ask her."

I just witnessed a woman pull out her ringing phone from her purse. She loudly sang along with the ringtone to the very end. Then this woman slipped her phone right back into her bag. She never answered it.

This is the energy I’ll take into the rest of the year.

A guy in the store on his cell said, “Susan, I’m in my car on my way”. so I yelled, “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

After ordering my coffee: 

Stranger at Starbucks: You know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m... not pregnant. 

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

I carry a whistle to the grocery store in case someone violates the sanctity of the "15 Items Or Less" lane.

If you're buying smart water for $5 a bottle it's not working.

We DO NOT throw away perfectly good food in this house.

We put the leftovers in Tupperware, put the Tupperware in the fridge, let it go bad, THEN throw it out.

Her: I was planning to do some house cleaning but I can't find a hair tie so I'm sure you understand that absolutely nothing productive will be occurring at this time.

Just overheard my 54 year old dad tell my 58 year old aunt “don’t tell mom”.

So apparently that’s a lifelong thing.

Do you ever try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear you fighting for your life?

I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going.

I look out the window when I get up to see what season we're having today.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently "filling the deep well of sadness inside me" was not the correct answer.

Q: When was running invented?

A: Running was invented in 1748 by Thomas Running when he tried to walk twice at the same time.

SeaWorld discovered that if they served Seagull meat to their dolphins, they never got sick or died. A truck driver was arrested at the Oregon state line with a load of seagulls that were to be delivered to SeaWorld. It seems he was transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

A Blond was driving to Little Rock, she saw a sign that said, Little Rock Left.

So she turned around and went home.

Are you sweating while putting gas in your car? 

Feeling sick when you pay for it? 

You may have the carowner virus.