5472 - Saturday jokes

The only thing to fear is fear itself.

And stupid. We should be scared shitless of stupid.

Come on in, sorry about the mess.

We're just in the middle of not caring anymore.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.

Green is my favorite color.

I like it better than blue and Yellow combined.

I accidentally went to Tooters instead of Hooters and now I am enjoying a bean salad, 3 hard-boiled eggs, and some chili.

Knowing my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again.

Sorry I'm late. Traffic is exactly how it's been for the past 5 years and I was not expecting that.

I'll tell you what!

I'm never going back to one of them outside, curbside restaurants again!

It started raining halfway through our meal and it took 2 hours for my wife to eat her soup!

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Monday.

Doc: I know you're 75, but do you exercise?

Me: Nope, my parents won't let me.

Doc: Your parents?!

Me: Mother Nature and Father Time.

European out-of-office message...

I'm away camping for the summer. Please call back in September.

American out-of-office message...

I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell at any time.

How to not let brownies get stale.

Eat the whole pan at once.

This might take a moment to think about but this was the first thing you read.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am getting too old to balance myself on and ride a bicycle. 

The reason for this is that I just fell off my bicycle this morning.

Oh, did I mention that this was a stationary exercise bicycle?

"I know standing is just a human thing, but sometimes it makes me tired."

- Tucker, 5 years old.

(I'm right there with you Tucker.)

Right after finishing breakfast...

"I've had a long day."

- Orion, 3 years old.

(I'm right there with you Orion.)

Good advice: Never meet your heroes.

I threw a boomerang once and it didn't come back.

I live in constant fear.

I'm not sure where you learned to whisper, but I'm guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by chainsaws.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

The cops just left.

They said if I was going to walk around the house naked,

I have to do it inside.

My 10-year old son asked me how calculators work.  He then got more specific and asked, "Do they program the calculator with all the possible answers?".

Crazy times we're living in. I keep hitting the "escape" key, but I'm still here.

Bacon is 73% fat and very salty.

Me too bacon, me too.

My hot ex-girlfriend messaged me saying she'll be in town for a day and wants to meet up, but it happens to be on my dad's birthday. So now I have to decide between the person I lost my virginity to or my ex-girlfriend.

A wife is having a gangbang with three men, one of them is deaf.

Her husband walks in, so one hides in the closet, the second under the bed and the deaf man hides on the balcony.

The husband opened the closet, and yells who the hell are you, the man says I’m the handyman, I’m fixing your closet, you owe me 100 bucks. He gives him his money and sends him on his way.

The husband then looks under the bed and yells who the fuck are you, the second one says I’m also a handyman and I was fixing your bed, so the husband gives him another $100 and let him leave.

The deaf man then storms into the room, and yells, I fucked her too, that’ll be a $100.

(John, these names were already in the joke.)

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said, "Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim." Then Mike said. "No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest".

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, "My name is Muhammad". And Mike said, "My name is Mike".

The Arab man said, "Hello Mike". And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, "Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!" (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

(Follow up from comments... The Hadith actually says that you don’t have to fast while traveling outside city limits.)

4 tips for guys for successful relationships...

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.

It’s absolutely vital that these three women do not know each other.

I asked the bartender why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was, "Too drunk."

I said, "Then you should stop drinking on the job."

My neighbor is in the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Apparently, the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence.

A Russian coma patient wakes up after 6 months and asks for the news.

"Well, we're fighting in Ukraine - defending our motherland from NATO, and deciding the future of the world"

"How is it going?"

"Well, we lost over 15,000 soldiers, hundreds of tanks, hundreds of aircraft, it's a grinder"

"And NATO?"

"NATO hasn't shown up yet..."

A joke my dog told me this morning...

What happens when you stop taking your meds? Your dog starts talking to you.

I had a Joke about a faulty airplane.

Unfortunately, it never took off.

What does a janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?

Supplies!

Alligator penises are always erect.

I guess they never suffer from a reptile dysfunction.

After a lot of nerves and anxiety, I finally made love in a cemetery!

It’s so much easier than carrying the body all the way home.

What’s Mr. T’s favorite month?

April, fools!

I heard that Ukrainian farmers now have the 4th largest tank division in the world.

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says, "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go for lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,

"I have four questions. My questions are: Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early for lunch? And where is Sasha?"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, did you hear about the guy that had all the gas siphoned out of his car's gas tank outside?" he asks the bartender. "No, and I don't want to," the bartender replies. "I'm sick and tired of your April fuel's jokes."

I had a neighbor once that stopped by and asked for a cup of sugar. I asked her "what for?" and she said, "just in case you need to borrow some".

In high school, my friends and I did a lot of sexual experimentation.

I was in the control group.