5486 - Saturday jokes

Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.

When I worked at a lab, my coworker had a stool container blow up. He was called shithead for the rest of his life.

I've started a go fund me for saving drowning fish.

Is it an age or intestinal problem when you can't get out of a car without farting! Asking for a friend!

Is the fall of Rome comparable to the current situation in the United States?

Nope, Rome had good roads.

I saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks." 

I tried. It doesn't.

I'm a bus driver, If I'm having a bad day at work, I'll look in the mirror, and mutter to myself, "You're all cunts, aren't you?". Then I tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

My husband almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to whether my gasp was out of fear for his safety or excitement about a possible life insurance payout.

I just found out the neighborhood had a meeting about the crazy person on the block.

It's weird that they didn't invite me.

I'm supposed to go over and hang with some friends and I thought one friend asked "what does * sound like". 

So I seriously texted her back how I thought it sounded. 

It took me an hour to figure out that she was asking if 8 o'clock worked.

Let me drink about it and get back to you.

Cop: You're going to jail for forgery.

Me: *slides him a 37-dollar bill* What about now?

What if April Fools' Day is actually April 2nd.

And we've been fooled to believe it's April 1st?

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite.

APPARENTLY, you can't do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here...

Ignorance is not bliss.

It's just a fancy word for stupid.

Attention!

Bars need your help. They can only open at 1/3 their capacity.

Those who cannot drink for 3 are kindly asked to leave their place for professionals.

Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.

You match with people who are on the same meds as you.

We'll call it "Relationscripts".

Tonight we're having some Himalayan rabbit stew. 

We found him lying in the road.

My wife asked me this yesterday. 

"What do you like most about me?

Is it my pretty face or my sexy body?"

I looked at her lovingly for a moment, then leaned in close, kissed her cheek, and whispered to her,

"I just love your sense of humor."

I was painting my hallway and I forgot to remove the jackets from the hooks.

The first coat is dry.

I just got a full tank of gas for $22.

Granted it was for my lawnmower but I'm trying to stay positive.

Careful What You Preach... 

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down ...

The choir leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, almost laughing, 'For our closing Hymn, 

Let us sing Hymn No. 723, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. 

"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important." 

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four-piece... with a biscuit.

The wife said she wanted to go see Jerry Springer live for her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Wednesday.

Today marks the 162nd anniversary of The Pony Express. 

Do you know that on occasion, they could deliver a letter from Nebraska to Nevada in just a little over seven days?  

Unfortunately, for the U.S. public, the U.S. Postal Service is still trying to match those times.

I think we can all state:

"Been there, done that.

Then did it again because I didn't

learn my lesson the first time."

Weather forces Holmes County Spelling Bee to be moved to Tursday.

Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!"

Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that?"

A California cosmetic clinic is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about thirty minutes.

They are going to call it "Jiffy Boobs."

Q: What ruined religion for you...

Answers... (If you don't laugh you're going to cry.)

Seeing a whole congregation of people perform an “exorcism” on a 5-year-old boy.

Being kicked out of Christian school prior to the third grade because my Mom bought the wrong edition of the bible.

The non-answers to all my questions as a kid. “You just have to have faith” is a dumb way to respond to an inquisitive mind.

Learning that the Catholic Church ran women's homes where they kidnapped babies, sold the ones that didn’t die, and used their mothers as forced labor.

For me, it was when everyone found out tons of priests were fucking little kids and the church protected them instead of punishing them and reporting it to the police.

Seeing how people use religion as an excuse to be shitty people around the world. So many people just bend their interpretation of a religion to fit whatever they want.

Going to a megachurch. They received over 1 mil in donations every weekend and spent it on elaborate props and videos rather than helping the community in any meaningful way.

Really toxic people at my church growing up. Seeing people only go to church to make connections and gossip rather than actually worship and do good for others.

When I was sexually assaulted by another boy and I spoke to my pastor because I was afraid to tell my family. He asked me what I did to make the other kid have impure thoughts and tried to make it out to be my fault.

When I was 6 years old, the pastor gave a letter to my aunt to give to my mom saying that we were not donating enough money to the church. So we stopped going, and I have never been to church since.

So many things but the final straw for me was my church asking a homeless man to leave and not come back. He would sit and listen to the sermons never bothered anyone and always sat in the very back. I confronted my youth group leader and she defended the preacher.

When the pastor started ranting about the evils of women, saying that Satan walks among us in the body of every female and men must take measures against them. It was later enforced in my mind when I met his very timid granddaughter in high school. She fully believed she was cursed from birth and showed serious signs of abuse.

This 13-year-old kid got exposed for being gay and was bullied into suicide by his family for it. I remember during summers they would send him to a special camp to cure his gayness. I was really good friends with his little sister and she would always say how embarrassing it was to have a gay brother and would hope he would become straight. He ended up hanging himself at 13 or 14.

I was 15. My father had been diagnosed with ALS. I had gone to a youth group thing with a Christian friend of mine and they had a circle of teenagers going around talking about things going on in their lives and relating it to God. When it was my turn, I shared that my father was dying and I didn’t understand why him, I was angry and I said something along the lines of I doubted there was a God if this was happening…I got chewed out for even questioning God and the rest of the kids refused to talk to me the rest of the night including my friend. You would think I had killed someone it was THAT strong of a reaction.

Grilling naked in your backyard is the best way to get your neighbors to pay for a privacy fence.

I was told off for using a word in a report that my boss didn't know ("minutiae").

I asked her to give me a list of all the words she doesn't know so it won't happen again.

It's not an empty nest until they get their stuff out of the basement.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning.

I can't have sharpies in the house anymore.