5508 - Saturday jokes

St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates when the archangel Gabriel comes to him.

"Peter, we've got a problem, we've done a quick census and we think there are too many people in Heaven". St. Peter is shocked by this news.

"I've been sticking strictly to the list I've been given" he explains. "Look, I'll count through the entire list to be sure, you go find Jesus and ask him what to do". So St. Peter starts going through his entire list, it takes him centuries and centuries and centuries to count the number of people that should be in Heaven. Finally, he finishes just as Gabriel returns.

"I've finished my count and you're right we have way too many people in Heaven, did you find Jesus?"

"Yes", says Gabriel "I found him helping people climb over the wall".

Years back, I used to give $10 to some beggar. Over time, I reduced it and started to give him $5. Eventually, I only gave him $2.

Two days ago, the beggar asked me why I kept reducing the amount to the present $2? I told him I used to give him $10 because I was single at the time, so I had enough to share. Then I got married and could only manage to give him $5. Later, I had two kids, so with more expenses at home, I could only give $2.

The beggar looked at me for a while, blinked twice, shook his head, and said, "So you mean you are supporting your family using my money?"

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me said he's just going to use it to buy drugs.

So I confronted him and asked him where I could also get drugs for $5.

Are you OK?!

Oh my god no. But for the purposes of this conversation, yes I'm fine.

Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure.

I'm getting real sick and tired of food having calories.

Spilling wine is the adult equivalent of a kid letting go of a balloon.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number.

I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I woke up this morning to find that someone had dumped a load of Lego on my doorstep. I don't know what to make of it.

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The pilot replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference. 

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. 

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. 

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. 

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

Had my coronation ceremony today. It was much different than what I had expected.

There was no purple carpet rolled out and the dentist did way too much drilling. I did get a crown though.

I went to McDonald's, put $10 on the counter, and said "Surprise Me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!

I just popped out to the shops earlier to get my wife a "Hope You Get Better Soon" card.

If you know her there's no need to worry. She's not sick.

I just think she could get better.

Her: You're skating on thin eggshells, mister.

Him: Uh, it's either skating on thin ice or walking on eggshells.

Her: You probably shouldn't have corrected me. Now you've really opened a can of hot water. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

My therapist told me I was a perfectionist and I told her that can't be true because if I was I would be more successful and then we just sat in silence for a minute and pondered what I just said.

Book: 101 ways to get rich without having to be around people.

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!

What's a vegetarian?

Someone who has a beef with beef.

Last night a friend gave me a box of objects.

He told me to open the box and pick any one I liked.

Here's what was in the box.

111111111111111111111

111111111111111111111

111111111111111111111

111111111111111111111

What happens after you die?

Lots of things happen after you die...

They just don't involve you!

My 10 yo daughter asked why she can't just quit school.

I told her they'll put me in jail.

She said, "I'll visit you."

My four-year-old once leaned into my upper arm and sighed, "Aaaah. I love squishy things."

My daughter looked at me adoringly and said, “Mama, I love you and your chins.”

I told my 6yo that I’m 38, and she started crying. When I asked why, she said, “I’m just sad because old people die.” 

Tweets About The Petty Things Couples Do When They’re Mad At Each Other...

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

My husband pissed me off so I sent him a picture of the thermostat set to 74 degrees.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

When I’m mad at my husband I like to plug my USB mouse into his computer and move the mouse around while he’s playing online games

I’m mad at my wife so I liked a lot of songs on her Pandora playlist that I know she didn’t like.

My girlfriend pissed me off today so I’m buying her the doll she HATES on amazon right now.

Me: you’re mad at me?

Wife: no, not even sure why you would say that. 

Me: I can tell by the sound of you putting the plates away.

Wife: fuck you and fuck those plates. 

Me: there it is.

I let my wife know I’m mad at her by wearing outfits she doesn’t like.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow.

There is nothing special about tomorrow.

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over.

My husband pissed me off so I took photos of me using his tools improperly and sent them throughout the day while he was at work.

My wife ate the last donut this morning so I went in her car and readjusted the driver's seat and mirrors.

My husband pissed me off so for dinner I'm making him Kale And Tofu Salad.

My husband pissed me off and he thinks he's going to sit in the living room and watch tv in peace. So, I downloaded the LG remote app and keep turning the TV off from the bedroom. He came in here and I acted like I was asleep. So now he thinks we have ghosts.

When I’m upset with my wife, I don’t get mad, I just cancel all her reoccurring Amazon deliveries.

My husband pissed me off so I logged into his beer rating app and gave a bunch of mediocre beers five-star reviews.

OH! And did you remember that April was Procrastination Awareness Month?