5522 - Saturday jokes

What do you call those things where you blow and make a wish?

A breathalyzer.

Frasier: I hate attorneys!

Niles: I do as well, but they make good patients. They have great health insurance and they never get better.

After my funeral I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone "thanks for coming".

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

 One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

 Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

 Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

 The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

 He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

 Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

When I was 9 months pregnant, my mom and I were on the side of the road struggling with a flat tire. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course. My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.

My wife tells all my friends that I watch way too many old roadrunner cartoons all because I can't stand on the X at Walmart without looking up to see if an acme rocket is hurling down to get me!

Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think "absolutely not!"

My son was telling about a math test that he bombed and said that 70% of the class bombed it too.

I said that you just failed a math test. I'm pretty sure that percentage is wrong too.

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother...

Sudden Lee.

If a cow does not give milk, is it considered an udder failure?

Disney, Google, Amazon, and Apple all started in a garage.

What's your excuse?

  I don't have a garage.

A king once found out that a count had more money than he did and had the count brought to the castle. The count refused to tell the king how he had amassed all his wealth. The count was tortured in the dungeon but refused to reveal how he got so rich.

The king ordered the executioner to behead the count. Just at the very last second as the ax was coming down, the count screamed, "Stop! I'll tell!"

Too late! The count was gone. The moral of the story... don't hatchet your counts before they've chickened!

I went out looking for baby formula. I couldn't find any.

But I did pick up a couple of AR-15s.

Any successful preventative measure will, in hindsight, appear to have been unnecessary.

Classic crisis management problem. Spare no expense and actually prevent it - "You spent too much, it is not a big deal, you overreacted..."

Spend too little - "Why didn't anybody do anything about this, how long did you know about this issue..."

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Quick reminder. Next week is diarrhea awareness week. Runs Monday through Friday.

Science has taken some of the wonders out of life. A kid asked how lightning works. Long ago I would have told him about Zeus, Poseidon, and the war of the Greek Gods. But now I have to tell him the facts. And I don't fucking know!

Old him: Back in my day we weren't so easily offended.

Young him: Back in your day you'd lose your mind if a black person used the same drinking fountain as you.

My neighbor's diary says I have boundary issues.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Her: I've finally figured out my body type. It's an hourglass with extra minutes.

How high is gas now? (picture of Willy Nelson and Snoop Dog)

How high is it going to get? (picture of Cheech and Chong)

Gas is so high, that my mailman is now working from home.

He called yesterday and read my mail to me.

Never seen anyone jogging and smiling. 

That's all I need to know about that.

I'm going to try and act like a normal, happy, mentally balanced person today.

Wish me luck.

Her: You are the cheapest man in the world!

Him: I'm not buying it.

Would you have paid money to see Judge Judy handle the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard case?