5536 - Saturday jokes

We know the speed of light. What's the speed of dark?

It's hard to measure because we can't see it, but we know it's faster than the speed of light.

How? Well, darkness isn't anything, it's just nothing and nothing is faster than the speed of light.

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one afternoon at Augusta National. When they got to Amen’s Corner #12 par 3, Moses was up and pulled out his 8 iron. Jesus made a comment and said to Moses you’ll never get there with your 8 iron. Just hit your 7. Moses said to Jesus I saw Jack Nicholas hit his 8 iron here so if Jack can, so can I. Moses proceeds to hit his ball in the water. He’s a little irritated and proceeds toward the water and as he gets to the edge of the water, the water parted and Moses walked in and picked up his ball. Just about that time a couple of golfers drove up next to Jesus and were just stunned at what they just witnessed. One of the golfers asked Jesus. Who does that guy think he is… Moses.  Yes said Jesus that is Moses... but he thinks he’s Jack Nicholas.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. 

Your car is like, "That's our special noise. I only make that noise for you."

Q: What should one do if stuck on a golf course in a lightning storm?

A: Stand in the fairway holding a 1-iron over your head.

'Cause even god can't hit a 1-iron!

When I was a kid I was afraid that the earth would be destroyed by a large black hole. As an adult, I now understand how silly I was. It is far more likely that earth will be destroyed by a colossal asshole.

Suspect: He died of natural causes.

Cop: You pushed him off a roof!

Suspect: Gravity is natural.

My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

Typochondriac - One who constantly checks and rechecks their writing out of fear of publishing a typo online.

Q; How many pushups can you do?

A: If they're the orange flavor I know for a fact I can do 7 in one sitting.

I can't stop watching movies about female superheroes. I think I've become a heroine addict.

How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

Did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

  No...

Reese...

  Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman all have in common?

An idiot who didn't take it out in time.

Don't blame others for the road you're on.

It's your own asphalt.

Why do riot police get up early?

To beat the crowd.

Girls, what's the difference between you and a pair of glasses?

Glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face.

Hey girl, I looked up the best places to eat out.

Turns out you came top of the list!

I was restricted on Youtube after I loaded 2 videos from Lawrence Welk, one from the Lennon Sisters, and one from Myron Floren, an accordion player. I'm not sure why.

When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has been activated. Abort mission!

My wife and I have started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is 'sexy librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Them: Who's skull is that?

Me: Raising the skull to my lips to take a drink, "A guy named Phillip".

Them: What's in it?

Me: Vodka and orange juice.

Them: ...

Me: "It's a Phillip's head screwdriver".

My dog, Minton, just ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton.

You know what they say about men with big feet?

They wear big socks!

Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?

Me: Yes, but leave it in the jug too.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

Mom, are these my brains?

Not yet.

I'm starting a business to teach short people math.

It's called "Making the little things count".

Caller ID isn't enough for me. I need to know WHY you're calling.

Being a writer is mostly googling words to make sure they absolutely mean what you always assumed they meant.

If I die while lifting weights, add more weights, then call 911.

So anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes?

I don't want any of those frozen ones.

When I find it,

I don't need it.

When I need it,

I can't find it.

Listen, I'm a nice person. So if I'm an asshole to you, you need to ask yourself why.

A scientific study claims fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

Unless you fell off the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

FYI...

You pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain.

Again, my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House this morning.

I think some folks ought to stuff their thoughts and prayers up their asses and pray they're just as dull and pointless there.

One time I was late to practice and coach made me run laps. My dad was the coach. And he drove me to practice.

I'm looking for someone who can draw perfect circles.

Please,

No weirdOs!

Guy1: My IQ is probably 5 times what yours is.

Guy2: 5 times 0 is still 0.

He sacrificed himself to destroy his enemy. 

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

4yo: I don't have any other feet.

Me: Fair enough...

Her: Do men still open car doors?

Him: How do you think we get inside?

I will carry 17 grocery bags or die before making two trips.

Since staircases go both ways, they’re now known to be

Bisteptual.

A friend and I stopped by Hooters for some wings and a beer. 

He asked me, "Which waitress would you like to be stuck with in an elevator?"

I said, "The one that can fix an elevator. I'm old. I'm tired. And I pee a lot."