5550 - Saturday jokes

The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you’re finished.

Therapist: And what do we say when we're sad?

Me: Add to cart.

Therapist: No no no!

109-year-old woman says the secret to a long life is avoiding other people.

So far, so good.

Hey, I know this post is for jokes but I need to share what happened to my best friend for fourteen years, my lab, Buddy. I was having fuel problems with my Camaro so I drained the gas into a bucket to remove the tank and when I turned around Buddy was drinking the gas! So I chased him for what seemed like forever but he just fell over, and I feel so guilty ... Oh no, he didn't die!

He just ran out of gas ...

This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a Twinkie.

Many people ask me why I drink so much whiskey. It's actually because I have a genetic condition whereby my body doesn't produce its own alcohol. Therefore I'm forced to take a supplement.

Ruin a date in four words or less.

You mean four words or fewer.

A duck walked into a drugstore and said, “give me some chapstick, and put it on my bill”.

drummer: I'm beat

pipelayer: I'm drained

gardener: I'm bushed

chef: I'm fried

tailor: I'm worn

window washer: I'm wiped

accountant: I'm spent

soldier: I'm fatigued

trash collector: I'm wasted

plumber: I'm pooped

undertaker: I'm dead

mechanic: I'm tired and exhausted 

I just bought some new shampoo and it says it's "2 in 1" Shampoo. 

I don't think that's possible. It would be overflowing! 

1 is not big enough to hold 2!

That's why 2 was invented!

Her1: Can you help me get a stain out of my dress?

Her2: Come again?

Her1: No, this time it's red wine.

Realized I had to use the bathroom.

Got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

Couldn't remember why I was in the pantry.

Remembered I had to use the bathroom.

Walked across the house to the bathroom.

Sitting there remembered why I went to the pantry.

Toilet paper.

Commas are important people!

Commas aren't people.

Antistalking - Learning a person's routine in order to avoid them.

Man at the front door talking to the lady of the house...

"Hi, I'm the electrician. I'm here to remove your shorts and check your box".

While standing in the middle of Disney World and staring at a foldable paper map of the park in her own hands, my sister-in-law says, "Why doesn't this map tell me where I am? These maps usually have a little arrow that says 'You are here'.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza for dinner, you're a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, at least microwave it.

Friend: You have a book problem.

Me: Storage. I have a book storage problem.

Bruce Lee was fast but his brother Immediate Lee was faster.

Bank teller: Your account is overdrawn.

Me: Well so are your eyebrows, but here we are.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

FLat-earthers are confused when they realize they have been breathing from the atmosphere and not the atmoflat.

A friend just put some air into his car tire at a 7-11 and it cost him $2.00.

For air.

The high cost of inflation.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

—Steven Wright

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” ― Steven Wright

I'm going to find a way to cross a mosquito with a lightning bug!

At least then we could see them coming!

Just for the record, I bought a turntable!

I bought a can of worms and opened it.

They just lay there and barely move.

Hardly the chaos that's been advertised all these years.

Nowadays when I take off my clothes the only thing that gets turned on is the shower.

My new refrigerator has facial recognition. It knows when I've exceeded my allotted times to open it.

I was thinking to myself the other day, "Do weird people truly know that they are weird?"

Then, I thought to myself, "Well, I'M not weird."

It then dawned on me. WEIRD PEOPLE REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT THEY ARE WEIRD!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Always get your wife a snack at the gas station. If you think 'maybe she doesn't want a snack'...You're wrong. Just get the snack.

Tonight’s Powerball jackpot is one tank of gas and a case of baby formula.

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.

I wanted to lose 30 pounds this year.

Only 35 more to go.

A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included on your resume despite years of experience and a number of references.

There's a lot of talk about what the label bisexual really means. So I would like to clarify that bisexual means that it occurs twice per sexual, not once every other sexual.

I collect all cell phones and ipads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night they all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I'm impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They're all grounded.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

As soon as you say "my child would never...", here they come, nevering like they never nevered before.

Once you hit a certain age,

you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of shit.