5571 - Saturday jokes

A French policeman stopped an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty ( being totally as pissed as a fart ), the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed out of his head.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor.

"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.

My neighbors with the fireworks celebrate the twelve days of July 4th.

The late night fireworks neighbor gets the early morning leaf blower neighbor.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Medical bills are fines for being sick.

I'm now at the age where...

I'm starting to count running errands as going out.

The best part about any function is leaving.

My nerves don't get as bad when I'm in traffic now.

Once I'm in the house I'm not going back out.

When I sit down I don't plan on getting back up any time soon.

You can remove any letter from the word SEAT and still have a word.

Shout out too awl the Grammar Police out their. Your awesome.

Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night shooting off fireworks. Thanks.

(brace yourselves...)

I have this friend, love him to bits, but his wife has a tendency of just constantly showing everyone pictures of their son at every social event. At the start it was understandable, but now I'm just like 'Lady, it's been two years; they're not going to find him.

Not the most morbid but I love Anthony Jeselnik’s story about his neighbor who has Alzheimer’s. 'One of my next door neighbors is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9am he knocks on my door and asks me if I have seen his wife.'"

"'Which means that every single morning at 9am I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now I’ve thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it… just to see the smile on his face.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

Why can't orphans play tennis? They get confused when they hear love.

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven, where she meets God. To break the tension she tells God a joke about the Holocaust, but God doesn’t laugh. The lady shrugs and says 'I guess you had to be there.

Four people are on a plane, a British guy, a French guy, a Mexican guy, and a guy from Texas. The plane is about to go down so the pilot tells everyone to grab a parachute and jump. The British guy goes first, grabs a parachute, says 'long live the queen!' And jumps out. The French guy goes next, grabs a parachute, says 'vive la France!' And jumps out. Then the Texan goes next, says 'remember the Alamo!' And throws out the Mexican.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw ‘em.

Dead baby jokes are my favorite. What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby dressed as a clown.

(OK, it's over.)

My elementary school was located in the center of the neighborhood, and my 5th grade class was the first to get outdoor trailers for classrooms. We'd ask for bathroom passes and then walk home. Next year they built a fence around the school.

I went to Military school. An adult is required to check the parade cannon to ensure it is clear, and closely monitor the students as they load it because there is to never be another flaming rubber chicken flying over the parade grounds ever again.

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and

make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new

alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your

pacemaker opens the garage door.

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of

your face.

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need

to take any fiber today.

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in

the car park.

9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to

pee!

Faith in humanity?

I look both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Mommy, where do Marjorie Taylor Greenes come from?

Well, when a gun and a bag of meth love each other very much...

You came from dust and you will return to dust.

That's why I don't dust.

It could be someone I know.

Well, it's July and 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting out the Christmas stuff any day now.

Sleeping in the summer is hard because blankets are too warm but without them, I'm vulnerable to monsters.

Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake them until the light comes on.

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

If a bear wears socks and shoes he still has bear feet.

If you're older and a cop pulls you over for speeding, tell him you were trying to get there before you forgot where you were going.

Whenever I go running I meet new people... like paramedics.

I don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.

I saw a sign that said "falling rocks".

So I tried, and it doesn't.

In the confessional...

Forgive me father, pastor, vicor, padre, priest... for I have synonymed.

If I was a plastic surgeon, I would put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

Legos are my arch enemy.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

I don't care if you see me on my porch.

If I say I'm not home, I'm not home.

Me: You should be a cop.

My Sis: Why?

Me: You chase the same men they do. Might as well get paid for it.

My friend has a girlfriend who feeds us all on weekends. 

Anytime he looks at another girl, we slap him on her behalf.

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

I'm still struggling with the right thing to say when someone knocks on the door of a public bathroom stall that I'm in.

I've narrowed it down to:

"Come in."

"Come back with a warrant."

"Your order is almost ready."