5578 - Saturday jokes

The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man that invented the Merry Go Round. They traveled in different circles.

Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1687.

Before that, people could fly.

When I bang my toe against something, it's like I pressed a button that plays all the swear words I know.

There's black tea.

There's green tea.

Then there's a cute-tea with nice tit-teas.

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

Girls always say they appreciate the little things,

until you show them your package.

Patriots! Arabic numerals are being taught in our schools!

ARABIC NUMERALS!

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

I'm trying to get insurance for a camping holiday, but I'm far from impressed with the insurance companies.

Apparently, if someone steals my tent during the night I'm not covered.

Having kids makes you realize how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.

Going to the gym gives you energy.

But you need energy to go to the gym.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Wi-Fi went down 5 minutes ago, so I'm having to talk to my family.  

They seem like nice people.

Billy Bob finally met the woman of his dreams when he saw the lovely Ramona Googlesby. The courtship and engagement were lovely to witness, although the wedding was a little sketchy.

At their wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom, the groom's mother fainted, and the groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

Curve to the left.

Curve to the right.

Pot hole pot hole,

Buckle up tight.

Honesty is the best policy.

But insanity is the best defense.

This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat there's flavor."

I know he was talking about food but I still took it as a compliment. 

Carry binoculars when hiking so when you make frequent stops it looks like you're appreciating nature instead of fighting for air.

Turns out the paper towels by the gas pump are for wiping away tears after filling up.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells products I can't afford.

Got myself a seniors GPS. Not only does it get me to my destination, it reminds me why I'm going.

I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me, "What do you do at a red light?"

I said, "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook".

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.

I told him yes and handed it to him.

He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe. I said to the assistant, "It's too tight".

She said, "Try it with the tongue out".

I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".

The lord moves in mysterious ways but you don't have to.

Use your turn signal.

You know you're past middle age when your purse is used for pills instead of makeup.

2 slices of bread got married...

The ceremony was going great until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

A Florida man was arrested for DUI.

He claims he only drank at stoplights, never while driving.

When my wife picks a restaurant that I don't like I just say, "Oh, yeah, that's where that really cute girl works."

Problem solved.

I was at the post office when I saw a blonde shouting into an envelope.

I ask, "What are you doing?"

She said, "Sending a voice mail."

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyway.

You know, as I reminisce, I really liked that old thyme Moroccan roll.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoaAb5MnKtY

I finally got my dream job as a guillotine operator.

I'll beheading there shortly.

Fuel prices are so high, that I went to a car dealership and test drove three cars to run my errands.

When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard work, I'm not young anymore.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs.

She was a mathamachicken.

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! 

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The Funeral Director," said his wife.

Free guitar. No strings attached.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner but realized I only had a croc pot.

I moved my wife's kitchen sign to the bathroom.

"You only live once. Lick the bowl."

I have two problems in life...

Going to sleep...

and waking up.

Just replaced the cat litter with pop rocks.

And now we wait.

I had the toughest time of my life: First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from those, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia, and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. 

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis and rheumatism. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

New rule: You can't tell me when life begins when you don't even know when an election is over.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought, "the streets are strangely deserted tonight."

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me before I saw you?

A small joy in my life is that my sister is dating a guy with the same name as her cat Nigel, and he hates we all call him human Nigel.

Her1: I sleep with my husband 3 times a week.

Her2: I only do so once a week.

Her1: But you don't have a husband.

Her2: Oh, I thought we were talking about your husband.

You know when you're 8 hours into what should have been a 30-minute job and you just sit there questioning the meaning of life?

I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for answers.