5585 - Saturday jokes

The James Webb telescope also found a massive amount of space junk and stardust throughout the universe.

To mitigate this, NASA is developing a massive intergalactic vacuum cleaner type device to suction debris from the universe.

It's called the Neil deGrasse Dyson.

Stats Canada reports not one baby has been named Karen since November 13th, 2019.

My husband said he did a double take when he first met me.

But I've also seen him do a double take on a free pile of dirt.

Maintenance came by today but only left a note.

The note said, "Black cat said NO!"

Me: How many loads of laundry can this thing hold?

Salesperson: Ummm... This is a dining table.

Me: And?

A husband and wife had been arguing all day.

They passed a herd of jackasses.

The wife says, "Relatives of yours?"

Husband says, "Yep, in-laws."

Her: Schools will reopen on the 2th.

3K laugh emojis.

Her: Why are you all laughing?

Her: Oh, I made a mistake. I meant the 2st.

I hate it when I go out in public and the public is there.

Her: Men only want one thing, and it's disgusting.

Him: Well, then wash it!

I'm glad it's not snowing. Imagine having to shovel snow in this heat!

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? — Steven Wright

Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country. ― Steven Wright

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. 

Absurdity is assigning you "The Grapes of Wrath" at 16 and tear-gassing you at 26 for understanding it.

The female praying mantis destroys the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "HA! You think that's bad? Watch this!"

When I dunk my cookies in my milk I think of you.

(and hold them under until the bubbles stop)

It’s so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling. The Methodists are using wet-wipes. The Presbyterians (and Lutherans) are giving out rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the bridge I said I'd cross when I came to it.

Guy: 69 today!! Love ya Mom!

Friend: I really hope it's her birthday today.

She looks sad. I'm going to give her a shoulder to put her legs on.

Guy1: You know that urge to eat something just because it's right there in front of you?

Guy2: That's why I'm no longer a gynecologist.

Him texting in bed: Bro, I murdered that pussy, had her squirting like a fire hydrant.

Her texting next to him: Girl, I pissed all over this dumb mother fucker and he loved it.

I once worked with somebody who told customers, "Sorry, it's my first day." any time they messed up... for two years.

My wife screamed, "I can't believe you've been using prostitutes for sex!"

I said, "You can hardly blame me. It's not like I'm getting any from you".

She said, "Well it's your own fault. You never told me you were willing to pay for it."

Uncle Leo was very quiet. He never bragged or talked about himself.

But he did go to Havard Medical school... as a cadaver.

God grant me the confidence and perseverance of a typo that's made it through 45 rounds of edits.

I saw a picture of a tattoo on a guy's lower abdomen that said, "Caution: choking hazard".

I said to myself, I thought they only put that on packages with small parts.

Customer: Hello, my router isn't working properly.

Tech support: Okay, what lights are on?

Customer: The hallway and the kitchen.

"Please click the start button on your desktop"

"I don't have that button on my desktop."

*confusion*

"What do you have on your desktop?"

"I have some pens, a piece of notebook paper, and some sticky notes."

"My screen isn't working!" 

"Have you turned it on?" 

"Of course, I've turned it on, I'm not an idiot!" 

"Did you plug it in?" 

Silence.

Customer calls in to report there is a dinging sound on her phone. 

Over the phone, diagnostics don't work so we sent a tech out to check on things. 

Tech report read, "Bulldozer backing up outside the window of customer's office."

A lady called in saying her audio on her TV was in French.

Turned out she had it turned to a French channel.

"I have Motorola Foxfire on Microwave Windows."

Her1: I helped my husband cook dinner last night.

Her2: How so?

Her1: I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.

So far I'm about 4 years ahead of schedule.

One great thing about this heat.

You can be guaranteed no one is waiting in your backseat to kill you.

I want to make some strangers on the internet mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher.

Men, if you are over 50, leave the young girls alone and find a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

I leave my house a mess so when friends visit they go home feeling better about their own housekeeping skills.

I'm just that good of a friend.

It's funny how our mood changes after we step on some water with socks on.

My new SUV has a button that says, "rear wiper".

I'm afraid to push it.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, "You've got male!"

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”

Here is her entry...

Carnation Milk is best of all, 

No tits to pull,

No hay to haul,

No buckets to wash,

No shit to pitch,

Just poke a hole

In the Son-of-a- bitch.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

When I was a kid, when we played spin the bottle, if they didn't want to kiss you, they'd have to give you a quarter.

By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.

It's important to lock your car doors, especially now.

If you don't, your neighbors will put free zucchini in your car.

The community pool.

The original gender-neutral bathroom.

Mom and daughter at the kitchen counter...

Tell me, sweety. Do you use drugs?

No mom, why?

Because you're chopping the onions with your bank card.

Husband: When I die I want to die having sex.

Wife: Well, at least it will be quick.

1998: Don't get in a car with strangers.

2008: Don't meet people from the internet alone.

2022: UBER - Order yourself a stranger from the internet and get in the car alone.

Cop to driver...

Sir, it seems you've been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with M?

Malphabet!

I just saw a donkey crossing the road.

He looked both ways before crossing.

What a smart ass.