5620 -Saturday Jokes

So excited for my kids to return to school so I can spend my free time reading the 50 emails their school sends each day.

Grandpa: The internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

Grandson: Hush Grandpa, take your pills.

Just saw two people flirting with one another under one of my posts. I deleted the meme. You won't be finding happiness over here.

Liz Cheney lost her seat but gained her soul. She refused to worship the Devil.

Parents, please have a respectable email address you can give teachers.

ThicknJuicy69@hotmail.com is not a good look.

Actual complaints received by a travel agency:

No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.

It took us 9 hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only 3 hours to get home. This seems unfair.

I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes. 

Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the drawers.

Texas & Florida are removing the alphabet from their schools and are now going back to grunting as a form of communication.

It's important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don't go out.

A 99-year-old Chick-fil-A employee in Cincinnati works six days a week and shows no signs of slowing down.

Late-stage capitalism, where a 99-year-old working fulltime at a fast-food chain is presented as a feel good story.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.

I'm about to start a religious movement.

Knowing my luck I'll be reincarnated as me again.

A woman tried to give me a peanut butter cookie.

I have a peanut butter allergy so I turned her down.

She looks at me thinking I'm on a diet and says, "Oh, come on, live a little".

I also have a latex allergy.

I found that out in a really fun way.

They say follow your dreams.

So I went back to bed.

I love how a fly will get into your house through a 2mm crack in a window, but can't find its way out even if you have the side of your house taken off.

Once I went to a party with my husband, full of people from work but I didn't. A guy came up to us, turned to me, and said, "You must be his wife." I turned to my husband and said, "You have a WIFE?" Should've seen the guy's face.

If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time.

A lawyer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were walking in the woods in Alaska. All of a sudden a huge grizzly bear jumps out of the woods and attacks the man from Czechoslovakia. The lawyer takes off running and winds up running into a forest ranger.

"Help!" Says the lawyer. "I'm a lawyer and my friend from Czechoslovakia was just attacked and eaten by a bear!"

The forest ranger grabs his rifle, and the two of them go towards the scene of the attack. They soon came to a small meadow. On one side of the meadow were a female bear and a cub. On the other side of the meadow was a male grizzly bear.

The lawyer points at the male bear and says, "That's the bear that ate my friend!"

The forest ranger takes aim, and shoots and kills the female bear.

Furious, the lawyer said, "What are you doing? You shot the wrong bear!"

The forest ranger said, "Do you expect me to believe a lawyer who says the Czech is in the male?"

In a world where you can be anything, be the person that ends the meeting early.

So my new watch was so expensive I had to finance it.

I'm living on borrowed time.

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.

It doesn't, it just poops on the floor.

2 girls smell candles...

Hey, this candle smells like Fireball.

Becky, us non-alcoholics like to call that scent cinnamon.

Mom to daughter...

Am I a good mother Susan?

My name is Amy.

I've just read a Book about Relationships within Marriage.

It says you should treat your Wife like you did on the first date.

So we went for a meal, then I dropped her off at her parent's house.

Doctor: My advice is to eat more food from the ocean.

Me: On the beach... trying to push a pig into the water... Swim piggy swim!

People make fun of my cargo shorts until they need a rachet set or a pulled pork sandwich.

At what temperature should I wash the t-shirt?

-What's written on it?

-Metallica

I just got ketchup in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight.

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What in all of God’s green Ireland are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

"Well, the sheet should be around your neck", says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

I'm not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from one of their drivers.

So I've just finished converting my van to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer.

It wouldn't start at first. Then I realized I hadn't shut the door properly!

My doctor said I should watch my diet. 

What? As if I eat with my eyes closed?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: What you need is faith.

Other person: What you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

Just failed my driving test. When the examiner asked me what sign I would expect to see down a narrow country road, apparently "fresh eggs for sale" was not the correct answer.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'It's golf balls'. Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

So I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.

The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook."

I said: "Why?"

He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."

Him: I like to tell dad jokes.

Her: Does he laugh?

Him: ...What?

Her: Go home.

She said: I'm done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys. At least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Store sign...

If it's in stock, we have it!

So apparently RSVPing to a wedding invite with "maybe next time" isn't a good response.

I got kicked out of the Walmart break room today.

They asked what I was doing there.

I said I'm on break, what do you think?!

They said but you don't work here.

I told them I just went through self check out. Clearly I do!

When I’m asked if we’re better off now than two years ago, I remind them that two years ago we were using freezer trucks as morgues.