5627 - Saturday jokes

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. 

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. 

That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush. 

That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. 

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap... 

The Army is still looking for him.

Silly putty implies the existence of serious putty.

And I think that's called C4.

I still think "nonfungible" sounds like it means "cannot be turned into a mushroom".

An elderly couple, Margaret and Burt, moved to Texas.

Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Burt stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Burt, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Burt yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Burt - Shoulda bought a hat."

Skydiving without a parachute is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I eat a lot.

I call this insom-nom nom nom-nia.

What goes hahaha plop?

Somebody laughing their head off!

I'm starting a course to teach little people math.

It's called "Making the little things count - 101".

I've been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-through every week for a year and they STILL don't think it's funny.

Go ahead. Get that tattoo. Your family is already disappointed in you.

I now cannot tell the difference between.

-People making a one-off joke

-People so dedicated to the joke they stay in character permanently

-People who aren't joking but get pleasure from annoying others

-People who genuinely believe nonsense.

I was sitting watching the football today while my wife was out at the hairdresser. 

5 minutes before the match finished the doorbell rang and it was the police. 

They held up my wife’s driver's license and said, 

"I'm very sorry sir but I have to tell you that it looks like your wife has been in a horrible accident." 

Obviously surprised at this I said, 

"Fair enough Officers - but she’s one hell of a cook and she's absolutely fantastic in bed."

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

Have we checked all foods to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn?

You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Just enjoy the merry-go-round ride.

The human body is amazing... you breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.

My favorite time of year is when all the mosquitoes are dead.

People say love is the best feeling.

But I think finding a toilet when you're having diarrhea is better.

I told my wife that I never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on a machine and fluids to keep me alive. I told her that in that case, just unplug me.

She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw away my Dr. Pepper.

Stop crying about your problems on the internet. Bottle them up inside you and disguise them with dark inappropriate humor like a grown up.

My niece took her 3yo daughter to church one Sunday and she couldn't sit still. Her dad picked her up and was taking her out. As they were walking down the aisle she screamed, "Everyone pray for me, he's gonna whip my ass!" 

Q: Condoms are free at campus but printing isn't. So sex is more important than our assignments?

A: Condoms are free because sex can cause serious health issues if it is carelessly done and can kill you as well. Lack of education won't kill you. It will just make you compare sex to printing.

The next time your woman is doing housework give her a compliment.

Something like, "You sure don't sweat much for working as hard as you are."

Work: We don't pay you to socialize.

Also work: We're letting you go because you don't socialize with your coworkers.

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer, and disinfectant that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

I'm getting my belly button pierced.

Good, you'll have a place to hang an air freshener.

Remember kids, when your boss says you're "like a family" they don't mean in a Barney the Dinosaur kinda way. They mean in a Charles Manson kinda way.

Your life is disposable to them. Your well-being will never matter more than their bottom line.

teacher:- Hey how are you?

student:- Not good!

teacher:- What's wrong?

student:- My sister is in hospital, she can't even speak or walk.

teacher:- OMG! I am sorry to hear that! What happened?

student:- She was born yesterday.

After an English exam ...

teacher: How was the paper?

Me: It was easy but question 5 confused me.

teacher: What was the question?

Me: What is the past tense of “think”? I thought and thought and thought and ended up writing “thinked".

Sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say: "How much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made".

What do they want, a medal?

Nobody gets angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they actually did.

Life is so boring when you don't have an online order to look forward to. (I DO! TODAY!)

I've always wanted to learn how to swim, but it's never been more than 30 minutes since my last meal.