5641 - Saturday jokes

Internet Meme: I like doing things alone because I don't get on my own nerves.

Me Actually: I just get on my own nerves a little less than someone else.

"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?" -- Steven Wright

I don't always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don't.

I wanted to go jogging, but then I remembered in The Bible - in Proverbs - it says, 

"The Wicked run when no one is chasing them".

I've got a license but don't havacado. (There was a picture of an avocado in the joke I saw.)

The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

*Shits pants in gift shop*

Ha!... Damn elephants.

What's the biggest lesson that working has taught you?

Efficient workers get punished with more work.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. 

I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" 

He said, "I don't know kid. But there are only so many places they can hide."

I had a dream about work so I called and said I wasn't coming in.

I don't need to work a double shift today.

My sister has this weird OCD where she organizes her plates by color.

It's a very rare dish order.

You know when you've been eating all day and you're not sure if you're disgusted or you want to finish strong with something sweet?

I just put a stick in a non-stick pan.

I did a little mechanics work today.

Put a rear end in a recliner.

I hurt my leg and needed a leg brace. My insurance sucks, so I ask the doc what it would set me back. He handed me the leg brace and said "brace yourself."

People say, "I would never!"

Then here they come, nevering like they never nevered before.

Boss: What do you and your team need?

Me: More staff, better pay, and help from other departments.

Boss: Best I can do is pizza.

When things heat, they expand.

I'm not fat, I'm hot!

So I found this on the menu at our local cafe - idemx rilgl.

I asked the waitress: "What is it?"

She said: "Mixed grill".

News flash. A cement truck crashes into a prison bus. 

The police report states that they ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals.

Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up...

Right after I finish laughing.

I like to help people find things by pointing out that it's around here somewhere.

What if oxygen is killing you but it just takes 75 to 100 years to work.

Every time you clean, you make something else dirty.

Apologies to anyone who ever thought I was cool and reached out to me only to discover I am just a weird little hermit who can't carry on a conversation to save my life.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment.

Locally sourced, all-natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

There needs to be a word for when you're starving but would also rather die than eat any of the food in your kitchen.

How can you sit there and eat some damn legs off a crab?!

How would you like it if someone cracked your legs open and ate your insides?!

Her: Well, it's happened before and it's not that bad.

On Slate.com...

Deodorants were created to solve a fake problem and thrived thanks to the patriarchy. Antiperspirants are a scam too.

Comment replying to Slate.com...

Come to an anime convention and you will delete that.

We should arm the teachers!

.

Really? You guys are going to start paying for the entire English department to have Glocks? You fuckers won't even buy them toner.

Comment... But thinking about that, once they get their Glocks, they will be in a good bargaining position for getting toner.

My wife never complained about anything until I got hearing aids.

I was escorted out of the all-you-can-eat buffet when they found me taking naps between feedings.

Queso = Spanish for cheese.

K,so = Southern for here's the plan.

If by clubbing you mean eating club sandwiches then yes, I love clubbing.

I've found that if you tuck one pant leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

Husband to wife: Are your knees swollen or are you going braless again?

Comfort Inn Sign: Now pet-friendly! Except for bears. We're not making that mistake again.

Did you hear about the detective who became famous after solving crimes by pure chance?

His name was Sheer Luck Holmes.

You know it's fall in Florida when the license plate colors begin to change.

Guys, if your stay-at-home wife is struggling, help her out by providing her a list of things she should get done on certain days.

Sign on the doctor's office blood work lab:

Don't mess with me. I get paid to stab people with sharp instruments.

I used to be a Fortune Teller but only kept predicting cold winters.

Then I found out the Crystal Ball Shop had sold me a Snow Globe.

So this fella was showing his mate his new golf ball.

He said, "This golf ball is state of the art!"

"You just can't lose this ball, if it goes in the rough it beeps, it glows in the dark, it floats in water and has an inbuilt G.P.S.."

His mate asked, "Where did you get it from?"

He said, "I found it".

Me: Beautiful dog you've got there.

Cop: Yes sir, this is Max, our drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training?

Cop: What?

Me: What?

Canadian: Let's watch a movie.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

The older I become the more I realize "Grumpy Old Men" isn't a movie, it's a training video.

A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is what happens when the ventriloquist dies but the dummy keeps on talking.

Sometimes people ask me how I know all the random shit I know.

All I can say is, that I have ADHD, an internet connection, good research skills, and zero self-regulatory mechanisms.