5934 - Saturday jokes

What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Mentos.

On a street sign: 21th ST

I've just wasted a half an hour trying to pronounce it.

Any English teacher that uses "they/them" as a singular pronoun should lose there teaching license.

Drinking a zero-sugar soda gives you permission to have that candy bar. It's the law.

So my co-worker just said: "You shouldn’t eat red meat!"

I said: "My grandfather lived to be 100yrs old."

He said: "Did he eat red meat?"

I said: "No, he minded his own business."

F: I got a new position down at the senior center. I'm in charge of lies, falsehoods, and misinformation.

M: In charge of spreading them or spotting them?

F: Details were sketchy.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report cards.

It sends a message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.

A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, “What happened?”

“It’s hard to say…”

I just got food poisoning from a German food truck.

It was the wurst.

Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. 

I stopped and opened it up to find a human foot inside.

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.

Police are combing the area.

The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.

I was crushed by the news.

What do you call a fast Nabisco delivery truck?

An Oreo speed wagon.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray.

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. 

He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.

She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

What do you call a hippo without a butt?

A hippo-bottomless.

I’m a truck driver and today I saw a homeless man holding up a sign that said, “please help, I'm deaf”.

My air horn disagreed.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.

- CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

- A picture is now only worth 200 words.

- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Just for the record....

I bought a turntable.

Say one good thing about your wife's cooking.

Well, she sure broke that dog from begging at the table.

"Unlockable" has a double meaning.

Both that it can't be locked and it can be unlocked.

Only a dog could go to a party, speak to no one, steal food, fall asleep on the floor, and still be the most popular guest.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same!

When does hibernation start because I am 100% participating in that!

I finally figured out what's wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there's nothing right.

And on the right side, there's nothing left.

So I said to the waitress, "What's the duck like?"

She said, "Like a chicken, but it can swim."

Fact: A single ant can live to be 29 years old.

We don't know about married ones.

At my age, I have few likes and dislikes.

I like having money and dislike not having money.

What's the difference between Texas and the Titanic?

The Titanic had its lights on when it sank.

A guy goes to a men’s clothing store to buy a new suit. The clerk measures his arm length, chest, waist, and pant length. His boss calls him over and says, ”I want you to sell him that ugly yellow suit we have had for a couple of years, I don’t care what you have to do.” “I’ll be back in a couple of hours and I want it gone!”

The guy tries the suit on and it fits perfectly and he also buys a new shirt and tie.

The boss comes back and asks “Did you sell the suit?” The clerk tells him he did and that the guy also bought a shirt and tie.

The boss asks “What happened to you, your clothes are torn and you are all bloody, did the guy beat you up?” The clerk says “No, he was quite happy with it but I had a heck of a time convincing his seeing eye dog.”

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

Starting Tuesday customers will now be required to unload delivery trucks at Walmart.

This will be in addition to your self-checkout duties.

We have your child!

  What are your demands?

Are you out of your mind? The daycare's closing soon, come and get him now!

Therapist: What's upsetting you?

Wife: He's always using common phrases incorrectly.

Me: Cry me a table, Linda.

9 months isn't really that long.

It just feels like a maternity.

I pick fresh vegetables every day.

I feed them to my pig and he converts them into Bacon.

At my age, it's clear why they call them the "wee" hours of the morning.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I like you until you farted and turned the music up like it was going to cover the smell.

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. 

It's becoming a night mare.

Growing old is mandatory.

Growing up is optional.