5676 - Saturday jokes

Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?

Me: Here's half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here's a new virus every other week.

I'm always surprised when a heavily tattooed couple has a baby and it comes out blank.

A watch store caught fire!

Nearby residents have been warned not to inhale secondhand smoke.

Just a quick medical update for everyone.....I’m in hospital after stupidly managing to poison myself.....I ate what I thought was an onion....turns out it was a daffodil bulb.....Doctors say I should be fine....and probably out in early Spring.

I posed nude for an art class today.

They didn't ask me to.

I think they were making ceramic bowls.

Just got 10 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Him to her: Don't cry, it's only a movie.

Later her to him: Don't cry, it's only a football game.

That awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and you can't do it.

Teacher: Sing the alphabet.

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: Why did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

I went to a shrink today.

He says I have a split personality...

Charged me $100.

I paid him $50 and told him to get the rest from the other guy.

I asked my boss if I could come to work late today.

He said, “Dream on.” 

He is a really nice guy.

Dog taking an eye test: Husky; Collie; Beagle; Afghan; Poodle; Pug; Yorkie; Shitzu; Corgi.

Optomidog: Your hindsight is 20/20.

There's a TV series about a guy who apprehends corrupt Canadian police officers.

It's called Dog The Mountie Hunter.

Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard.

Yes...

I herd it through the grapevine.

A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. 

The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

Picked up my sons from school and stopped to get gas. I invited them to get out of the car and learn how the pump works. Afterward, the 11yo says, "Thanks for the life lesson, but I'll never drive a gas car." 13yo says, "This is like the time you showed us how to use a pay phone."

The Beatles tried recording an alphabet song.

But never made it past the Letter B Letter B Letter B Letter B.

There once was a man named Buck.

Who seemed to be down on his luck.

When his dear wifey left,

He became quite bereft.

So he looked for another to (have intimate relations with).

"Will you marry me?" is a marriage proposal.

"Will, You, Mary, Me," is a foursome proposal.

"Will, you marry me" is a time traveler spoiling the future.

"Will you, Mary me," is a cavewoman trying to make Will remember who he is.

Just had my phone incorrectly autocorrect "ducking" to "fucking" which means I've won. I've finally broken its spirit. How does failure taste demon box?!

The Venn diagram of dudes who think women shouldn't have sex if they don't want a baby and dudes who don't understand why women don't want to sleep with them is a circle.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

The funeral for the man that invented Tupperware was postponed while they tried to find the right lid for his coffin.

Never turn your back on your family.

Back away slowly until they are out of sight.

Paper plates have nothing to do with struggling. I just don't like washing dishes. If I could I would use paper pots also.

I commissioned an artist to make me a set of letters of the alphabet out of cast iron.

He thought it would be a little funny to leave one out.

I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

I'm missing the iron E.

What is the second to last letter of the alphabet? ...

Because I want to know!

Never try to fight a dinosaur.

You'll get Jurasskicked.

How can you tell an Engineer is an extrovert?

They are looking at your shoes when they talk to you instead of their own.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

Family reunion... Lil' sis is acting superior! 

Me: I remember when you were born! The doctor turned around and slapped our mother.

I have a "WTF is wrong with people" moment at least four times a day.