5678 - Medium jokes Monday

Since long joke Sunday was a bust, I'll throw some medium length jokes out today.

Today was interesting... I was driving into the city when I had to pull over for an ambulance. After it passed me, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. The ambulance made a right turn and the box flew off onto the side of the road. I did what I hope any good samaritan would do, I pulled over and retrieved it. 

My curiosity got the best of me and I opened the box to find that there was a human toe packed in ice. Unsure where the ambulance was going I called the hospital nearest to my location and explained what I had found. 

The lady on the other end said that an ambulance had just arrived minus the box. So, I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to get it. She said, “No, we’ll send a toe truck.”

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the highway. So I eased my truck over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out, and reached under the back seat I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my truck facing oncoming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My truck has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......

"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the Priest,

"Bless me Father for I have sinned - it has been four weeks since my last confession"

"Confess your sins and be forgiven, my Son"

Said the Priest,

"I almost had an affair with another woman Father..."

He confesses,

"What in God's name do you mean, almost?"

Cried the Priest,

The Irishman said,

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped..." 

The priest said,

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in!"

"You're not to see that woman again!" 

"For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box" 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that!"

"You didn't put any money in the poor box at all!" 

The Irishman replied,

"Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.