5683 - Saturday jokes

Finally, things have started clicking for me… My elbows, knees, and back!

Son: Dad, can we go to a haunted house this year?

Dad: What's wrong with the one we live in?

Son: WHAT?!

Dad: Goodnight son.

Calvin: “Was I adopted?”

Calvin's dad: “No, we got you at a K-Mart Blue Light Special! Almost as good and a lot cheaper!”

Calvin: “GAAAAAAA!”

I spent my time making a home-cooked meal and placed it in front of the kids who immediately asked for something different and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world and everyone ate their damn dinner.

I'm so out of shape that if someone yells, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I'll be like, you guys go on ahead. I'm going to stay here and meet Jesus.

Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.

A quiet man is usually a deep thinker.

A quiet woman is usually really pissed.

So a grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "You know there's a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper looks at him and says, "Cool! There's a drink named Fred?"

A customer walks into a reputable Swiss bank. 

"I would like to place half a million dollars with you", the client whispers to the banker. 

"You can speak normally, sir", answers the banker. "At our bank, you don't have to be ashamed of being poor."

If you are trying to impress me with your vehicle,

it had better be a food truck.

I hope Facebook doesn't go down again.

I spent last night knocking on doors to show my neighbors my dinner.

Fun food fact: The first french fries weren’t actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked through downtown.

Dispatch: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

The only time “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

If you get heartburn every time you eat birthday cake, try taking the candles off.

Crime has gotten so bad in NY City that the Statue of Liberty has both arms in the air.

Work had a surprise drug test, I came out clean. Now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.

I hate when I'm waiting for mom to make dinner and then realize that I'm the mom.

Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed they can get with a stolen catalytic converter.

Who do I call at Google Earth to tell them I got my front railing painted and trimmed the bushes. They need to send the car back around.

I love seeing people walking by with little smiles on their faces because something small happened that made them happy. Maybe they got a cute text, maybe they got lost, maybe they killed someone. You'll never know.

Women's magazine:

Page 9: How to lose weight fast.

Page 10: You're beautiful the way you are.

Page 11: Cake recipe.

It's ironic that the two o's in "cooperate" insisted on having their own separate sounds.

Don't invite me anywhere with complicated parking because I'm going to circle around once and go home.

Facepalm... not funny... actual comment from facebook group...

It would be great if people would be more mindful of what they say. 

Me - Cancelling my husband’s doctor appointment because he died. 

Person taking message - Have a great day!

I got no respect as a kid. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

Her: The day my husband asks me to pay half on rent is the day I pack my bags.

Friend: And go where? You can't even afford half the rent.

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark.

It's becoming a night mare.

Do you think you can hurt my feelings?

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad.

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn;

My house isn't dirty and the cobwebs are gone;

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn;

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?

Where does dragon milk come from?

Short legged cows.

Imagine running from the police at night and your sketchers start lighting up.

Just realized how old I'm getting.

Walked thru a Cemetery on the way home, and two guys with shovels started following me!

Kevin phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 

'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband speakin”.

Fall is that beautiful moment between sweat and hypothermia.

An Irishman's first drink with his son:

"While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. 

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? "He didn't. I drank it.

"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! 

"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

"He wouldn't even smell it.

"What could I do but drink it!

"By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so drunk, I could hardly push his stroller back home!"

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

When two people kiss they create a long tube from butthole to butthole.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?

Just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean it won't be fun.

I’m currently reading a book called:

“How to Sleep Through the Night”,

By Ann S. Thesia.

Wanted:

Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won't help tooth decay.

No weirdos!