5690 - Saturday jokes

Political commercials... ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Was lying in bed with my wife and I said, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

She said, "I'll miss you."

I've hardly done anything on my bucket list.

Friend: Just change the B to an F and you'll feel much better about it.

I paid for the whole speedometer I'm going to use the whole speedometer.

A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills, or cleaning up after the kids.

I'm pretending to be a hot girl on tinder so I can match with my roommate and tell him I'm coming over so he'll clean the apartment.

Last night, I thought my wife was either crazy or drunk or having a stroke. Then I realized she was quoting something Hershel Walker said, verbatim.

Getting mad that poorer children come to your wealthy neighborhood on Halloween to get nicer candy and trick or treat safely has got to be in the top 10 "rich people aren't human" funny moments.

A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she said, "I'm sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away." And without missing a beat I said, "Amanda?" And she said, "My name is April." But imagine if I had guessed her name correctly!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said: "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...

..I just lost it...

I was driving down the road and saw my ex.

It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes meaning over the years.

I wasn't strong enough to do my job so I gave them my too weak notice.

Me: Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

Him: In case someone wants black coffee.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

She asked grandma for a present from the Frozen collection.

Frozen mixed vegetables were not in the collection she was talking about.

We're all mature until someone brings out the bubble wrap.

I just subscribed to another magazine.

That's the fifth one this week.

I've got issues.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

Apparently, it's pronounced quiche.

I explained to my kids about the interesting scientific phenomenon where a bag of Halloween candy will settle overnight making it seem much lighter and smaller in the morning.

It's sad when you tell everyone on FB that you're taking a break from social media and it gets the most likes you've ever had.

Turkey fortune teller to turkey client: I see you surrounded by family... well, not YOUR family.

My friend was getting upset because he says everyone talks behind his back at work.

I had to remind him he's a bus driver.

I will not turn my clocks back.

I will then be living in the future.

I greet you, people of the past.

An apple a day is bullshit.

Apples are dangerous.

Just look at Eve, Snow White, and any pig at a luau.

I got fired from the banana factory for throwing away the bent ones.

I hope when I die it's early in the morning so I don't have to go to work for no reason.

I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.

Kale tastes like I'd rather be fat.

Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families.

Woman fortune teller: Your husband will meet a violent end.

Woman: Will I be convicted?

You never realize how long a minute is until you're exercising.

They're busy at Stone Henge tonight moving the stones back one hour.