I just got back from Walmart and I have to share this!
I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don’t know how you did it! That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.
William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William. That little shit’s name is Kevin.”
OK OK, not long enough. Here's another one that most people have probably heard but it's still a good one. As you can see by the dates, this just happened.
After a guy retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. October 25: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
16. October 28: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
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16 comments:
Love both of these, though they aren't new to me. I'm guessing that man never got to go shopping with his wife again.
I know what I would have done with Kevin!
Like River, I know them both. My heart goes out to William. It is my partner who is the browser, and perhaps I need to employ some of these tricks to avoid being taken along.
Is your wife's first name Virginia?
I don't want to get kicked out of my Wal-Mart since I live right by it, but if I go to one in another town, well, you've given me ideas.
River - The first thing I would have purchased for Kevin would have been a roll of duct tape.
Sue - Depends on the store. Department stores drive me nuts. But I can browse Home Depot for hours.
Kirk - It's not Virginia. What am I missing?
Dropping condoms would be an easy prank.
I think you and I ought to go to a Walmart together sometime ... in a city other than our own.
I disagree. The first joke was long enough!
Mr. Wolff had me roflmao. No. 11 was my favorite stunt.
This reaffirms that my lifelong goal to never step foot in a Walmart is the right call.
I should have been more precise in my comment. I was referring to the second joke, which was told in the first person. Pretending you were that first person (of course I know you're not), I further pretended the "Mrs Woolf" was the same Mrs Woolf as the late English novelist (whose name also found its way into the title of an Edward Albee play and the Liz-and-Dick movie on which it became.)
Actually, it would be kind of interesting to see the Bloomsbury Group let loose in a Wal-Mart. Some of those pranks might be right up their alley.
Bill - Or meet up at a particular Lowes in Pennsylvania.
Deb - I know I know! But when you reread them 10 times looking for typos, they get shorter and shorter.
Shirley - Did you print the list out? Don't forget to have someone video you.
Lady - I used to go into one occasionally. The one closest to me doesn't have the entertainment that you see in memes. And I don't think I've been back since Amazon arrived on the scene.
Kirk - I know you knew that I know you knew. But I changed the pronouns anyway. And I looked up "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf". In doing so I found out that Virginia Woolf was a real person. Who knew?! You probably did.
Thanks for the laughs today!
Shaw - Any time.
Hadn't heard the second. Especially like # 1, 2, and 7. Clever and funny!
Allen - I'm glad it was a new one for somebody.
You could be honest we're friends. Was it you that was banned for some of those things?
Cloudia - No, but I've got some written down for future reference.
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