5704 - Saturday jokes

Some of these are 0.75X rated...

I'm working on a new book called: Places to Pee in the South.

It's just a list of confederate monuments.

Mike Twitter: Rachel and I are no longer dating.

Rachel Twitter: Mike, that's a horrible way to tell people we're married!

Here's hoping Elon buys Chick-fil-a and Hobby Lobby next.

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:

1. Murderer

2. Police telling me everyone is dead

3. That book I ordered on positive thinking

I bet there's a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.

I'm so lovable the doctors gave me a special jacket so I can hug myself.

Husband to waitress: Oh my, aren't you pretty.

Waitress: Why thank you, sir.

Wife: Tell her about your erectile dysfunction, George.

Husband: Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction. Her name is Margaret.

Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 95%.

In memory of the recently passed “GALLAGHER”;

“Why do we park in a driveway & drive on a parkway?”;

“Why do we call Apartments Apartments when they’re all hooked together?”;

“Shipments go by trucks, Cargo goes by ship”;

“Why do we call Buildings Buildings when they’re already built, why not call them Builts?”

A woman is naked and looking at herself in a mirror. She says to her husband: ‟Jake, look at me. I am old and wrinkly, my teeth look terrible, I'm getting fat, my boobs are starting to sag... I could really use a compliment right about now.”

Jake replies: ‟Your eyes are still really good.”

A man is in the kitchen chopping chilies for dinner. Nature calls and he heads upstairs but foolishly forgets to wash his hands before unzipping. He yelps as he realizes what he's done. Mind racing, groin in chilies-induced agony, the man recalls some advice he heard in a curry house years earlier. He rushes to the fridge and struggling to see through tear-filled eyes, pours a bowl of milk. He dunks his member and sighs as the fire subsides.

Just then his wife walks in, her eyes wide with shock. After a pause, and some apparent contemplation, she says - "You know, I always wondered how you recharge those things".

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan.

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawaii.

To quit smoking, my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex.

I haven't smoked in a month and she's up to 2 packs a day.

My wife's so self-centered.... during sex.... she screams HER name!

My wife screams during sex. Especially when I walk in on her!

I went to the local bar and told the bartender to surprise me. 

He showed me a naked picture of my wife

Thoughts go out to my Mother-in-law. 

She was taken to hospital after a bee landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung as I was too quick with the shovel.

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. 

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. 

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Three people die; a doctor, a school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"

The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her "You may go in."

St. Peter asked the third man, "What did you do?" The man hung his head and replied, "I ran a large insurance company." To which St. Peter replied, "You may go in, but you can only stay 3 days."

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.

370HSSV-0773H

Putin was baffled, so he emailed the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA. They also didn't know what it meant. Finally, the CIA director sent the message to The Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds, they called back with this message:

"Tell that dumb wanker Putin he's holding the message upside down."

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

My wife and I had sex for 3 straight hours last night.

We did some role-playing. She played the doctor and I played the patient who was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

In 7th grade, some friends convinced a large number of students to put the name "Heywood Jablome" in the school raffle. The principal read the name at the drawing in the gym and the kids all screamed for five minutes straight. Everyone got detention. That's how Twitter feels now.

These jokes are in poor taste...

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law".

The other says, "so, just eat the potatoes".

Mommy mommy I don’t want to visit grandma! “Shut up and keep digging!”

Tonto: "Me no like your horse, Silver" 

The Lone Ranger: "Just shut up and eat."

2 cannibals are running a marathon. One says to the other, "have you seen my brother?" The other cannibal replies, "yeah, I passed him this morning"!

"If people make you sick, you are not cooking them long enough."

What’s the greatest level of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex.

I tried to tell you she was hot a while ago... now she's overcooked.

Two retirees are engaging in oral sex.

Old Man: "I can't stay down here for too long, It stinks."

Old Lady: "Sorry, it's my arthritis."

Old Man: "Arthritis in your vagina?"

Old Lady: "No the arthritis is in my shoulder, I can't wipe my ass!"

I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor on my first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

I couldn't handle the pressure.

What do you call it when John Fogerty has oral sex with a mortician?

Down on the Coroner.

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring herself with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber.

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating.

She screamed, which made me finish. Then she screamed again.

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.

Her boy kept pulling funny faces at me so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."

The little boy replied, "Well, you can't say she didn't warn you!"

We need a reality show where flat earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

I just learned that the German word for bra is stoppemfrumfloppen.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. I don't even understand the direct ones.

You don't realize how old you are until you try to get back up after wrapping presents on the floor.

Let's say you have a bunch of friends over and you're deciding what to have for dinner. Some of your friends vote for pizza and some of your other friends vote to kill and eat you. Even if pizza wins, you still have a serious problem.

I feel like Willie Nelson has been the same age my whole life.

Them: Corporations' stocks are tanking because people paid $8 to impersonate them on Twitter and you think that's funny?

Me: I do! And I'm tired of pretending it's not!