5711 - Saturday jokes

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions. (Replace with your least favorite team.)

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.

Her name was Eileen. 

She had a brother who was missing both shins. 

His name was Neil.

I thought if you are missing shins you're named Tony.

Their brother was missing both legs and both arms. He liked to spend the day on the front stoop. His name was Matt.

His father had the same condition.

When we took him to the pool, we called him Bob.

A duck was waiting to cross the road when a chicken came running up.

"Whatever you do, don't do it!" shouted the chicken. "You'll never hear the end of it!"

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay.

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

A teacher sees the name of a new student 'abcdefghijkmnopqrstuvwxyz' and asks how the heck is this pronounced.

The student replies, "Noelle".

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital.

He's asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?" 

He says, "God told me so!" 

The patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

What did the soccer fan say when the beer ran out?

Damn, this game is boring.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I am gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. 

But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

WAIT! The top two corners are in the same place!

A guy's sister wants him to be more meta, so he metamorphosis.

I was at the shoe store and knelt down with a pair of size 5 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, and I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.

"Hey Cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, Madam," I said sternly. "I don't work here!"

'I can still feel that wretched lump digging into my back no matter how many mattresses I pile up!', squealed the princess. 

The tumor on her spine continued to grow unnoticed and unchecked.

That parasitic tumor is now the king of England.

We thought it was more than a coincidence that all the neighborhood cats have gone missing since the recluse neighbors moved in 2 weeks ago. 

We went over to investigate and found the cats alive and well fed along with the half-eaten corpses of the new neighbors.

The stock market - A graph of rich people's feelings.

Abraham standing on the mountain: “You want me to cut off the end of my WHAT?”

A redneck is pulled over by a policeman.

Policeman: Got any ID?

Redneck: 'bout what?

Why is viagra just like Disneyland?

It's a 1-hour wait for a 5-minute ride.

Foolish man give wife upright piano. 

Wise man give wife upright organ.

He who stands on toilet bowl is high on pot!

If your boss tells you your team at work is "like family", that means you can scream "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM" and storm out every time they ask you to do something.

What's the difference between a proctologist and a retail worker?

The proctologist needed to go to college to deal with assholes for a living.

Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, they carpeted the hallway.”

(He can't hear his boss walking up on him anymore.)

A man went to his doctor...

After several tests, the doctor returned to the exam room and told him, "I'm terribly sorry sir but according to our tests you have barely a year left to live."

"That's horrible!" said the man. "Is there nothing I can do?!"

The doctor replied, "Well, my advice is to become a vegan, marry an economist and move to Iowa."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man

"No," said the doctor, "but it'll make that year feel a LOT longer!"

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I'm making a presentation about mutual masturbation.

It's really coming together.

I have five penises. 

My pants fit like a glove.

Why do turkeys love thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents.

(Thumbs up on this one.)

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he explains. The man agrees to it, and he's led into the bar, whereupon sits a healthy-sized hen. He proceeds to have a battle of wits and is roundly defeated by the hen. "I didn't expect the chicken to be so smart!" says the man. "No," says the innkeeper, "no one expects the Spanish inn quiz wish hen!"

Check out "conjunctivitis.com".

It's a site for sore eyes.

Had a bet with my mate.

He said, “I bet you couldn’t name 3 Qatar players. 

I said, “Don’t be stupid that’s easy. Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, and Jimmy Page”

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.

Now when I talk, I've got this weird axe scent.

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at the sandwich. Then his eyes shot over to the $5 bill. He looked at the sandwich again, then back at the cash. After a moment his eyes were darting back and forth between the two, and he threw up his hands in despair, let out a scream of anguish, and then turned and ran away from me.

At first, I was totally confused, but then it dawned on me: Beggars can’t be choosers.

What sound does a one-legged turkey make?

Wobble Wobble

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone, and Apple watch because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner.

Because it says Pierce film before heating.

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

"Why am I here?"

A bartender walked over to a table where two people were on a date

He spoke to the woman first. "Madame, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off. You both have clearly had too much to drink; your husband just slid under the table!"

The woman said, "No, my husband just walked in the door!"

Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.

So this woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"

"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money." 

"Dad, can I turn the heat on?"

"Yeah, but it'll be part of your Christmas present".

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now I'm googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.

I don't know what weather channel needs to hear this, but we don't need to see a weather guy swept out to sea on live television to understand that there is a hurricane outside.

Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so they can be easily cropped out later.

Wife (in the kitchen, on the phone with a friend): This recipe calls for molasses.

Me (from the living room): What do you plan on doing with the rest of the mole?

I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real.

If I could counterfeit money I wouldn't be at the dollar store, Karen!

I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.

I hate knight shifts.

Human to Salmon: We have a color named after you.

Salmon: Really? Is it silvery blue like my outsides?

Human: Uh, no...

Salmon: Wait! Why is it pink?!

Human: ...

Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK!

My best friend passed away recently. Grieving before his grave I said, "Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" One month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I'm really happy that my prayer worked!

My 4-year-old called ice cubes ‘water bricks,’ and now I’ll never call them anything else.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's more information in our heads.

I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me.