5739 - Saturday jokes

Meme claim: A man sued McDonald's because he was still depressed after eating a Happy Meal.

Snopes: False

Comment on post: The meal identifies as being happy. This doesn't mean it will share its happiness with you.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

Kids opening presents on Christmas: EEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? 

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

Yo mama so fat, the strip club where she works calls her Hitler after all the damage she's done to the poles.

Yo momma’s so stupid it took her nine months to come up with a joke.

Yo mamma's so fat I had a threesome with her and never met the other person.

Every job Medusa had, she had to go through sexual harassment training.

She couldn’t stop objectifying people.

A penis grew to 6ft2 and had functional arms and legs. With his newfound life, he opened doors, pulled out chairs, and was very chivalrous to the ladies.

He was a true genitalman, which was good to hear because he could have acted like a giant dick.

I start my new job at the guillotine factory today.

I’ll beheading there soon.

I’m getting really sick of millennials' attitudes lately.

Walking around like they rent the place.

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled, and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Well, I am as about as worthless as the ejection seat on a helicopter right now.

Teacher: Human sperm contains sugar.

Sarah: Then why is it not sweet?

Entire class: ........

Most people think I'm arrogant...

But who cares what peasants think.

Her: Why don't your socks match!

Him: Why don't your kids' last names match?

As the year comes to an end, I urge my friends to take care of yourself's and avoid accidents because spare parts for old models like you are no longer in stock.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I can't have sharpies in the house anymore.

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry for Christmas.

But she will never forget the Christmas you got her a vacuum cleaner.

If you're out shopping today, be nice to retail workers.

It's not their fault you waited until Mary's water broke to shop.

My new pocket watch was so expensive that I had to finance it. 

I guess that means that I'm now living on borrowed time. 

Weather warning...

Southerners are urged not to travel unless absolutely necessary.

Northerners, you will need your big coat.

Wife: I want another baby.

Husband: That's a relief. I didn't like this one either.

If you're ever feeling useless in your job, remember, some guy has to put nutrition information on bags of ice.

Santa and his reindeer landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, "I said the Schmidt house."

To all my northern friends. Your weather is in my yard. I need you to come get it.

I'm the spokesman for one of the largest bicycle companies.

No speeches for me.

But if you want your rims and hubs connected properly, I'm your guy.

Dating in 2023...

So...Have you always been a woman?

Do you know of Post Malone?

   Yeah, he's a rapper.

Well, do you know of Ho Malone?

   No.

It's a classic Christmas movie starring Macaulay Culkin.

A wise doctor once wrote: (I can't find a scribble font for here.)

I farted on an elevator.

I said, "Hey, does anyone else smell popcorn?"

I just bought my local politician a 'get better soon' card.

He's not sick. I just think he needs to do better.

What's the best thing about corn?

It's the only food that if you really wanted to you could eat twice.

I asked my wife if she would like a necklace for Christmas and she said nothing will please her more.

So that's what I got her, nothing.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, she said, ‟Get me something outrageously expensive that I don't really need".

So, I signed her up for a colonoscopy. 

Her: I was dreaming I was at Walmart.

Him: I was dreaming I was with 3 women.

Her: Was I there?

Him: No, you were at Walmart.

Winter is coming.

The entire thing.

All at once.

In one weekend.

I saw a guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers, and rabbits' feet.

I thought, "He's pushing his luck".

Christmas time is great because you can shout "Don't come in here" and people assume you're wrapping presents when you just want to be left alone for a while.

Her looking out the window: It looks like reindeer!

Him sitting in a chair: Rain? The weatherman's calling for snow, dear.

Edna the gift wrapper: Nice steam iron sir. Your wife will love it. While I wrap it, you may want to go over to sporting goods and pick out a helmet.

Always jingle all the way.

Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

Hey Santa, if I'm good at being naughty, which list do I go on?