5740 - Long joke Sunday

How about a long list of short jokes Sunday?

How do you wash your hands over the holiday? With Santatizer.

Why don’t you ever see Santa in a hospital? Because he has private elf care.

Why is Santa afraid of getting stuck in a chimney? He has Claus-trophobia.

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho ho ho.

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

How can you tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents.

Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be? A subordinate Claus.

What does Santa spend his hard-earned salary on? Jingle bills.

What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.

What goes “Oh Oh Oh”? Santa walking backward.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days.

What’s the most popular Christmas wine? “But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”

How does Christmas Day end? With the letter Y!

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple.

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.

My friend just won the tallest Christmas tree competition. I thought to myself, ‘How can you top that?’

A gingerbread man went to the doctor complaining of a sore knee. The doctor asked him. “Have you tried icing it?”

How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed.

What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who.

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in the manger.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? One that's deep pan, crisp, and even.

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas? Noël Coward.

What do you call a Christmas rom-com about bread? Loaf Actually.

What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense? “But wait, there’s myrrh!”

Why does Scrooge love reindeer? Because every buck is deer to him.

What do you call an Elf on the Shelf who just won the lottery? Welfy.

Why did Scrooge refuse to eat at the Italian restaurant? It costs a pretty penne.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you call a snowman who vacations in the tropics? A puddle.

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose.

What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps.

What happened when the snowgirl broke up with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder.

How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.

Why did the snowman turn yellow? Ask the little boy over there.

Why did the snowman want a divorce? Because his wife was a total flake.

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.

How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

Why does Drake love giving gifts? He’s really good at wrapping!

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.

Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole? No well, no well.

Where would you find a Christmas tree? Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four.

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from? Fleece Navidad.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”

What’s the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.

The three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

What do you call a laptop growing on your Christmas tree? A pineapple.

Why did only the letter “E” get a Christmas present? The other letters were not E.

What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs? Michel Googlé.

What’s it called when you go out to buy a piano this holiday? Christmas Chopin.

Merry Christmas!